Tag: Motherhood

My 27th Birthday

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Every year around the beginning of September, right before my birthday, I like to take some time to reflect on the past year and look at what I’ve gone through and how I’ve grown. Last year when I wrote this type of reflection post, I said that 26 had been the hardest year of my life. Well, little did I know that 27 was going to bring me to my breaking point and force me to go through a lot in order to grow a lot. 

As I sit here taking in the past year of my life, I am reminded of my birthday celebration last year and what a beautiful day it ended up being. I always wanted to share about my 27th birthday on my blog last year, but it just never happened. So, I thought I would share a little bit about that today and some photos from my birthday last year.

27 

Last year for my birthday all I wanted to do was get dressed up and go out to lunch like things were normal. My mom, grandma, and Brendan had planned on coming out to lunch with me at one of my favorite local restaurants downtown and then afterwards I was going to have some family over for dessert and coffee that afternoon. 

I picked a cute outfit, curled my hair and took a little extra time to do my makeup. Brendan was going to come home on his lunch break, pick Ellis and I up, and then we were going to meet my mom and grandma at the restaurant downtown. Well, as we were about to head out the door, my mom let me know that the restaurant was closed that day. I was so upset. I don’t do well with plans changing last minute, and while I know this was kind of out of our control, I started to lose it and I ended up having an anxiety attack. 

My mom suggested that we pick a different place to eat, or that we pick up something and bring it back to the house, but I was too upset and didn’t care at that point. Brendan ended up driving us around for awhile while we decided what to do next. And I quickly started to spiral. On top of being disappointed that things weren’t working out the way I wanted them to, I then started feeling so bad that Brendan took time to leave work to spend his lunch break with me, and here I was crying and not knowing where to go to eat. 

I ended up telling him to just pick a place for Ellis and him to get some food and not to worry about me. At that point I was feeling like I was so upset that I didn’t want any family to come over to my house after lunch time. I didn’t want to have to try and act happy and hide how stressed out and disappointed I was. My mom insisted that it would be okay and that everyone would still come over and it would all be fine. 

I fought it for awhile, but I also didn’t want to disappoint anyone else by changing plans last minute. So, we ended up picking up some lunch for me and bringing it back home and I ate a bit while I finished tidying up the house before everyone showed up. Brendan went back to work and Ellis and I waited for everyone to come over. 

While I was eating my lunch my sister texted me telling me Happy Birthday and asking if I’d like a coffee. I told her that would be so nice and then proceeded to tell her about how the day was just going as planned so far and how I was stressed. Since I knew she had class that afternoon, I figured she would be bringing me a coffee later in the day when her classes were over. 

My mom and grandma were the first ones to arrive. I was still bustling around and feeling pretty frazzled and didn’t even realize that my sister was also there. She surprised me by skipping her class that afternoon so she could come over for my birthday. I don’t usually get emotional in front of other people, but I couldn’t help tearing up when I hugged her. In that moment I started feeling the love that I needed most in that moment, even though I had tried pushing everyone away and canceling the whole afternoon. I’ll never forget that moment.

My mom walked in with two big Mum plants to go in the beautiful stone planters that my dad had gotten me for my birthday, and again I felt loved. Not long after that everyone else arrived and we all just kind of gathered around in the living room to chat. I was surrounded by all of the women closest to me in my life — my mom, sister, grandma, aunt, cousin, second mama and what I consider my adopted sisters.

Ellis ended up playing upstairs with the girls almost all afternoon, so I felt like I got a much needed break from being “mom”. And the rest of us sat around and talked about motherhood, being a stay-at-home-mom, and me just kind of opening up about how I felt so defeated and how I felt like motherhood felt so overwhelming to me. 

I don’t know if anyone picked up on it that afternoon, but looking back now I realize that I was caught right in the thick of postpartum depression. I just couldn’t shake the fact that motherhood felt too hard, and I thought I was just a bad mom or not meant to be a mom. Even if nobody knew how bad I was suffering in that moment, I was still grateful to have people that loved and supported me all around me that day. 

We ended up opening presents and then eating a homemade vegan lemon bar dessert that I had made. We put candles on the dessert and everyone sang “Happy Birthday” to me, and I felt so much happier. 

When Brendan got home from work all I wanted to do was to get some dinner and watch one of my all-time favorite movies, “Breakfast at Tiffany’s”. Ellis ended up falling asleep before we could get him dinner, so the two of us ate Rivermont Pizza while watching the movie. And then I got to open up my presents from Brendan. He had also bought me some beautiful Mums.

I don’t know if many people will care to read this blog post, as it’s almost just like a journal entry for myself. But I loved these pictures from last year and wanted to share them. I’m hoping and praying that my 28th year of life will be full of growth, change, grace, and beauty. The world feels like a scary place to be in anymore, but I know there is so much life and beauty here too. 

First Trimester — Pregnancy Recap

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It’s true when they say every pregnancy is different. In a lot of ways, this pregnancy has progressed pretty similarly to my pregnancy with Ellis. But there are some stark differences this time around that have completely caught me off guard. 

When I was pregnant with Ellis I did a month-by-month update on my pregnancy and talked about how I was feeling physically and emotionally. I didn’t feel led to share that often this time around, at least during the first trimester, so this post will be a re-cap of the entire first trimester all rolled into one post. Going forward, I might write some updates more often if the mood strikes me or if anyone shows interest in it.

Okay, lets dive into the first trimester and all the messy stuff that comes along with it! 

The First Few Weeks 

I was just 4 weeks along when I found out I was pregnant. I took a pregnancy test on the day I was supposed to start my period and those two little lines on that stick saying “positive” were so bold there was no denying it. As I mentioned in my last post, I had a deep intuitive feeling that I was pregnant before I ever took a test. Intuition aside, there were plenty of signs that my body was sending to me to let me know a big shift was happening. 

This is what I love about the Fertility Awareness Method (FAM) of tracking my cycle (if you don’t know what FAM is I highly encourage you to go look it up!), it has helped me learn more about my body and be so in tune with myself that I can detect when ovulation is, when my period is about to start, and when I am pregnant. I want to write a separate post on this topic in the future, especially because I have been using FAM for years and it is how I got pregnant with Ellis and this baby, and how I avoided pregnancy in-between without ever taking any kind of birth control. 

Anyway, those first couple of weeks after finding out I was pregnant were pretty normal. At the time I was doing intermittent fasting, drinking coffee everyday, eating plant-based, and feeling very active and energetic. I was physically feeling the best I ever have in my life! 

We had a beach trip planned with Brendan’s family the next week and I was a little nervous for how I would be feeling. It was around week 6 during my pregnancy with Ellis that I first started feeling nauseous and a bit lethargic, so I was hoping I could make it through this trip without feeling sick. I was definitely not ready to share the news with family yet, so I was praying that everything would go well during the trip. 

Thankfully, I made it through that week feeling pretty normal. I did find myself exhausted in the evenings and couldn’t stay awake late, but besides that I was able to eat all the normal foods I usually do and wasn’t feeling sick at all. But on our way back home from the beach that Thursday, I started feeling lethargic and not up to eating a whole lot. I wasn’t sure if this was due to being pregnant or just being tired out from vacation.

5 weeks, 4 days pregnant with little Luna Baby ❤️

The next week after vacation was week 6 of this pregnancy, and sure enough about halfway through the week I started feeling fatigued and a little nauseous. It’s such a strange feeling to go from feeling your very best, and the healthiest you have ever been, to zero energy or desire to eat normally. 

When I was pregnant with Ellis I felt nauseous for about 2-3 weeks, and then that faded away. I never actually got sick which I’m extremely grateful for. This time around I feel like the nauseousness and fatigue dragged on and on throughout most of the first trimester. 

How I’m Feeling Physically 

During those early weeks, I found myself feeling tired in the afternoons and even took a couple of naps on the couch while Ellis watched some cartoons on certain days (if you know me, I despise naps and never take them). After dinner, I found myself beyond exhausted and most evenings I would just crash on the couch and doze until it was Ellis’ bedtime. This really threw me off of my normal day-to-day rhythm, and I forgot just how physically draining growing a tiny human can be. 

In addition to feeling exhausted I felt extremely bloated from the start. I did feel this way during my first pregnancy, but again this time around it seemed that the bloating would never go away. As a result of the bloating, I felt like I already had a baby bump showing at just 8 weeks. At that point it really was just bloating, but I felt huge and was convinced that everyone was going to be able to tell that I was pregnant. 

The fatigue, nauseousness, and bloating were the only main physical differences I noticed right off. I definitely felt different in my body and was able to pick up on the changes much sooner during this pregnancy. 

Food Aversions 

When I was pregnant with Ellis I started experiencing a few food aversions right around week 7 or so. For the most part during my first pregnancy, I could eat savory/spicy foods for a couple weeks and coffee was replaced with ginger tea when I was feeling a bit nauseous. But besides that I was able to eat most all of my favorite foods during the entirety of my pregnancy. 

This time around, things have been vastly different! 

I have never been so disgusted by so many of my favorite foods. I think the food aversions started around week 6-7 and they hit hard! It was as if overnight I couldn’t tolerate foods such as cereal, crackers, tortilla chips, peanut butter, rice, spicy/savory foods, onions and garlic, and coffee. I found this so bizarre as a lot of these foods were plain and would normally have been easy on my stomach (such as the crackers and plain cereal). 

My guess is that these foods were processed and fairly oily and thats why I felt so turned off by them. Just the smell of plain cooked rice, a saltine cracker, pretzel or tortilla chip would turn my stomach. It was as if I was smelling and tasting them for what they really were, overly processed and full of all kinds of additives the baby didn’t need. 

The coffee is really what threw me off. When I was pregnant with Ellis, there was a couple weeks that I couldn’t drink it when I was feeling nauseous in the mornings, but that only lasted a few weeks at most. This coffee aversion has lasted well into the second trimester during this pregnancy. I have always been a coffee lover and its the one thing I have never wanted to give up know matter how healthy the rest of my diet is. But I could not stand smelling it, cafe drive-thrus turned my stomach, and drinking it tasted like burnt, bitter, oily water. It was the weirdest thing! But again, I feel like it was the baby’s way of protecting themselves from the caffeine and whatever other nasty stuff is in coffee. 

When I got a bit further along into the first trimester I started fixing a cup of green tea when I wanted a little pick-me-up, or if I was out I would get an iced matcha green tea latte. Not the best because it still contains caffeine, but a heck of a lot better than coffee. 

What I’m Eating and Craving 

I try to listen to my body when it comes to what foods I eat. I was eating plant-based all through the month of April and up through the first week or so of May. I had been feeling great and thriving eating this way, but when the fatigue started to kick in my appetite also increased a bit (weird, I know). I started feeling like my body was craving more protein (which I don’t eat a whole lot of) and since I know I usually struggle with eating enough food period, I felt like I should start including some things back into my diet for the time being. 

I started adding in some pasture raised eggs for breakfast in the mornings because I knew it would give me some protein first thing in the morning to start my day off with and it was one of the only foods during those first few weeks that actually sounded good to me. I also switched to using grass fed butter instead of the oil based plant versions I had been using. And I allowed myself to add some dairy back into my diet. 

I felt extremely guilty and disappointed in myself at first for doing this, since I had been feeling so great eating plant-based. But I knew it was important to listen to my body and put the needs of my baby above my own for the time being. 

My guilty pleasures in the very beginning were pasta and ice cream. I always wanted ice cream when I was pregnant with Ellis, which was pretty unlike me since I usually reach for a salty or savory snack over sweets. But alas, this pregnancy is no different in regards to the ice cream. 


Pregnancy is Strange!

I’d say the weirdest thing about this pregnancy, besides the odd food aversions, is my heightened sense of awful smells and the fact that sweat/body odor smells like straight up onions to me! That’s right, when I sweat I smell like onions. My husband and my mom have assured me that they don’t think I smell like onions, so I guess (I hope) it’s just my nose that is interpreting it that way. But it’s actually the worst thing ever haha. The coffee aversion I can deal with, but this I am so over. I know that women tend to sweat more when pregnant and that their hormones can change and therefore change the smell of their body odor, but I’ve just never heard of this. 

And then my heightened sense of bad smells this time around is killing me too. I feel like during those first couple months I was so sensitive to so many different smells. Even smells I usually really enjoy such as citrus fruits had a very off putting odor to me. Oh well, I can only hope that these things will disappear once the baby is born. Somebody please tell me these things will go away!! 

Securing My Birth Team 

During my first pregnancy, I had a difficult time finding the right prenatal care (I have written about that in another blog post if you care to read it). After a few hiccups, I finally met with my midwife for the first time and knew that she was the right fit for me. Trying to hunt down the right midwife really stressed me out last pregnancy, so I knew that right from the start one of the first things I wanted to do during this pregnancy was get my birth team secured. 

I wasted no time at all and called my midwife just 3 days after I found out I was pregnant. I knew it was so early on, but I wanted to go ahead and make sure she was available to attend my birth, especially because I am due right around Christmas/New Years. I was so grateful to hear that she could take me on as a client again! 

A few weeks later I reached out to a team of doulas in the local area. My doula from my first pregnancy has since moved to a different state, so sadly we could not have her attend this birth. But we have so many amazing birth workers in this area and I had heard wonderful things about this group of doulas, so I knew before I was pregnant I would want to meet with them to discuss their services. 

I met with my doulas the first week of June and felt such peace in knowing they were the right women to have attend my birth. They were also available around my estimated due date, so we were able to secure their services right away. And then later that week I had my very first prenatal meeting with my midwife. 

Both Brendan and Ellis were able to come to the prenatal meeting with me and we were all able to hear the baby’s heartbeat together for the first time. It was such a special moment and Ellis’ reaction and excitement were so sweet! He is thrilled to be a big brother. I absolutely love the midwifery model of care and how it gives the whole family the opportunity to be involved. There’s nothing like it!

Well, this turned into an extremely long post. But if you made it this far thanks for reading!! Hopefully I can get a few more posts written soon about the second trimester, what books I’m reading, and going through pregnancy after Postpartum Depression (PPD). If you are currently pregnant or have already had your baby, how was the first trimester for you? 

Conception Journey with Baby #2

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Carrying another babe in my womb is something I have thought about regularly since I gave birth to Ellis. I always knew that I wanted to have several children, I just never imagined how extremely difficult the postpartum period would be for me, or how it might change my mind on when I would want to try for baby #2.

I thought that maybe 2020 would have been the year to try for another baby, but for so many reasons 2020 ended up being the hardest year of my life and a baby was not on my radar at all. It wasn’t until I had made some significant changes in my everyday life this year that I started to feel ready to try again.

Clean Sweep

April was a beautiful transformative month for me this year. In addition to doing a major cleanup and shift with my diet and incorporating more workouts into my exercise routine, I also did a lot of growing mentally and emotionally. And with growth usually comes some pain. 

I did a lot of release work during the first few months of April. And let me tell you, letting go of certain things and situations in my life, surrendering, and accepting that I really have no actual control is some of the hardest, most terrifying internal work I have ever done. My counselor really helped me with this, and before I saw things take a turn for the better, I had a lot of shadows and doubt that I had to work my way through. 

This is very deep and personal stuff I’m talking about, and I might share more about this in another blog post, but I just felt like I couldn’t tell this story of my second pregnancy without mentioning just how emotionally intense this month was for me. 

As the month of April moved along, I started feeling the best I ever have physically. I had gone back to eating a plant-based diet at the beginning of the month, I had started intermittent fasting, and I was still doing daily yoga. For the first time in years, I felt strong, healthy, and confident in my body! I loved the way my body looked and I was amazed at the energy I now had. 

I always thought that I would reach my body’s prime in my early 20s before I had children. I was feeling pretty comfortable and happy in my body before I became pregnant with Ellis, but after I had him I never thought I would quite get back to where I was. In a sense I was right about that, my body has never quite gone back to what it was pre-pregnancy. But after putting in a lot of time, dedication, and hard work, I have learned to love my body and what its capable of even more! 

Am I Ready For Another Baby?

There were a lot of times last year that I wondered if I would ever feel ready to have another baby again. For years, Brendan and I had both talked about wanting to have several children, but after experiencing the worst of my Postpartum Depression (PPD) I think we were hesitant to rush into another pregnancy. (I’ll talk more on the topic of my experience with PPD in a future post.)

But with time and lots of healing work on both our parts, we were feeling hopeful and excited to be talking about when we would want to start trying for another baby some time this year. In my head, I was thinking that I’d continue to clean up my diet, get stronger, and do more healing to work through my PPD before trying to conceive. Midsummer was sounding like a good time to me to start trying for baby #2. 

However, as God would have it, I would become pregnant a few months ahead of “my timeline”. And isn’t that the way God tends to work? We think we know best and like to plan out our lives and be in control of how things will play out. With my tendencies toward perfectionism, this is a very hard thing for me to let go of and give God control over. 

I also always told myself that I would never want to have a winter baby. Winter is my least favorite season and there are so many reasons I would not choose to have a baby during the coldest, bleakest months of the year. But, again, God had different plans for our life, and that’s okay. Sometimes we need a good dose of this to wake us up a bit and serve as a reminder that we are indeed not in control. 

So during the month of April, both Brendan and I felt comfortable saying that if I happened to get pregnant our hearts were ready to welcome another baby into the family. But we weren’t ready to start actively and intentionally trying to get pregnant. I think being comfortable with the possibility of getting pregnant without the stress and pressure of actively trying to conceive was good for both of us. 

Trusting my Intuition

By mid April I started having that deep, intuitive feeling that I was pregnant. I knew that we hadn’t been actively trying, but there was definitely a possibility that I was. The feeling was strong, but I didn’t mention it to Brendan. 

When I first took a test to see if I was pregnant with Ellis, I took the test as early as I possibly could, before I had even missed my period. This time around I knew I could do the same thing, but something was telling me to be patient, wait, and lean into my own intuition. That took a little bit of surrendering, but it was worth it. 

The end of April was a very emotional time for our family. Brendan lost his grandfather on April 25th and we got the call that he had passed away while we were sitting at the dinner table. And I’ll never forget feeling so strongly in that moment that I was for sure pregnant. 

On Monday April 26th, I woke up excited and a bit nervous to take a pregnancy test. I was supposed to start my period that day and I was feeling pretty certain that I would see those two little lines pop up on that stick. I waited until Brendan left for work, then I went to the bathroom to take the test. 

I set the test on the back of the toilet and avoided looking at it for a minute or so while I washed my hands, looked at myself in the mirror and said a little prayer, knowing that my life might be shifting in a big way. And sure enough, I turned around and those two pink lines lay looking up right at me. Positive. I was was pregnant. 

A happy little gasp escaped my mouth as I stood looking at the test. My intuition had been right! I can’t remember if I told Ellis that morning or not, but I knew that I would be waiting a couple of days before I shared the news with Brendan. Just as I felt very strongly that I should wait to take the test and trust my intuition, I felt that I needed to have a couple of days of keeping this news to myself. 

There was something so sweet and sacred about keeping this beautiful little secret to myself, just me and this little babe. For the next couple of days I went about my everyday rhythm with a bit more purpose and intentionality. My morning yoga felt a bit more magical knowing there was a new little soul being knit within me, I was being more loving and attentive to Ellis thinking about how he wasn’t going to be my only little baby anymore, and I felt like anyone I came in contact with must have known I was pregnant because I felt like I was glowing and about to burst at the seems with happiness. 

That night, I went to a prenatal meeting I had with some of my doula clients. The drive out to their house was filled with peaceful landscapes and farm lands, and it was the most delicious spring evening. I was so excited for this couple who were expecting their first little baby and I was also feeling equally excited for myself as I was expecting my second baby. 

It was late when I left their house and the full pink moon was shining so bright. The moon followed me all the way back home, and I couldn’t help but feel the magic that the evening held. I reached down to stroke my belly and to talk to my baby to let them know just how thrilled I was to be carrying them. My little Luna Baby ❤ 

That’s the name that came to me, so gently and naturally, that evening. Already I could feel a stark difference with this little soul than I had when I was pregnant with Ellis. Ellis felt like such a bright, energetic, little fiery soul, my Sunshine Babe. This baby was different — very calm, gentle, soft, and sweet, my Luna Baby. The Sun is associated with more masculine, bright, yang energy. While the moon, or Luna, is associated with more feminine, gentle, quiet, yin energy. And who knows, this baby may turn out to have a wild and bold personality too. But for now, this pregnancy has felt calm and meditative, sweet and gentle. 

Telling My Husband I’m Pregnant

Wednesday April 28th is the day I decided to tell Brendan I was pregnant. I knew this time around I wanted to involve Ellis with announcing the pregnancy to Brendan, so as soon as I found out I was pregnant I ordered a t-shirt for Ellis off of Amazon that says “Big Brother” boldly across the front of it. I figured I would wait until Brendan got home from work that evening and then we would surprise him with the news. 

Ellis has this thing about wanting to hide from people, even Brendan and me, when they come over to our house. He likes to pretend he’s not around and we have to look around until we find him, his own little version of Hide-and-Seek. So, I took Ellis upstairs to our bedroom and told him that we would put his new “Big Brother” shirt on and hide from Daddy, and then when Daddy came upstairs to find us we could pop up and say “Surprise!”. Ellis liked that idea! So I told Brendan that we would be “hiding” upstairs when he got home and he would have to come find us. 

My heart was pounding as I waited upstairs for Brendan to come home, I was both nervous and excited to tell him I was pregnant. Ellis hid on our bed amidst all of the pillows and I stood in the corner of the room with my phone out ready to capture the moment on video. 

When Brendan walked in he looked over at me and seemed confused that I was videoing him. Ellis jumped up and said “Surprise!” and pointed at his shirt. The look on Brendan’s face was priceless as he read Ellis’ shirt and realized what the surprise was. Brendan walked over to me and scooped me up and lifted me up in the biggest embrace. I then handed him the pregnancy test, which I had wrapped up in a pretty gold ribbon. It was such a sweet, emotional moment and it made it all feel that much more real to me. ❤ 

I look forward to sharing more about this pregnancy journey and how different it has been compared to my first. Up next I think I will share about the first trimester and how that was for me physically and emotionally. 

Autumn Traditions

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“Ah, September! You are the doorway to the season that awakens my soul.” – Anonymous

Long before I became a mother, I dreamed of what it would be like to have a house full of children to care for and raise. I’d imagine how fun it would be to build blanket forts on rainy days, make special homemade meals on the weekends, and make holidays special with arts and crafts and decorations.

I must admit that after becoming a mother its sometimes hard for me to hold onto those dreamy ideals. Maybe it’s just the age he’s at, but Ellis doesn’t seem to want to focus on one thing long enough to try and make a blanket fort or even entertain the idea of doing some fun afternoon craft project. However, he loved decorating for his birthday party and still talks about it and I know that what really matters is spending time with him and making memories together.

I’m starting a new tradition with Ellis where we pull out all of our fall and Halloween decor on September 10th. This gives us time to get past birthday celebrations because both Ellis and my birthday are in September. I also like the idea of having something fun to look forward to after the birthday excitement has worn off.

I love the changing seasons and autumn has always been a special time of year for me. I love the magic and coziness that autumn brings and the symbolism of slowing down and turning inward. In years past I have waited until the first day of fall to dust off the felt pumpkins and decorate our home, but I want a little more time to enjoy the warmth and cheer this year.

On Thursday Ellis and I enjoyed going through my big black box of halloween and fall decor. Unlike last year, Ellis was very excited to pull out all of the pumpkins and see what kind of goodies were in the box. We put on some jazz music while we decorated and then later in the day I made some Autumn Squash soup to have for dinner that night.

I want to know, does your family have any special autumn traditions? Do you decorate for fall or Halloween? I’ll have to give you guys a look at all of our decor once we get things in place!

Cozy Labor Day

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Happy Labor Day! I woke up this morning a little tired and sore, but overall I felt motivated to start a new week.

The mornings have been a lot cooler recently with temperatures hanging around in the mid 60s. I can definitely feel that Autumn isn’t far off when I walk out on the deck in the mornings now.

Brendan was off work for Labor Day toady and Ellis and I were happy to have him around for what felt like another Saturday. Around Breakfast time Brendan went out to do some birthday shopping for me and while he was out I had breakfast and got to hang out with Ellis.

Ellis turned 2 years-old on Thursday and I’m still trying to process how my baby is such a big boy now. Everyone always uses the term “Terrible Twos”, which I absolutely hate. I say “Terrific Twos” instead because I refuse to speak negatively over my child.

That being said, we’ve definitely had some trying moments over the past few days. It’s as if somebody flipped a switch the day after Ellis’ birthday and as a result he’s been quite emotional. Poor buddy has been having meltdowns regularly several times a day and he’s been acting very independent and gets extremely frustrated when he doesn’t get exactly what he wants. The past few days haven’t been easy, but I’m hoping that he’s just going through a wonder week.

Anyway…

Today was one of those days where I felt quite productive around the house and I felt happy and motivated to do chores. I had several baskets of laundry that needed to be folded and put away and I hoped to get some tidying up done around the house during the morning. My intention was to pull out all of our fall/halloween decor and start decorating, but we didn’t quite get that far. That may be on the agenda for tomorrow though.

By the time Brendan got back home around noon Ellis was asking to go out on a ride and get out of the house. So Brendan decided to take Ellis out for a bit while I got some more chores done around the house.

I put some Jazz music on and got busy in the kitchen! Does anyone else love Jazz music? It puts me in the coziest fall mood and lifts my spirits if I’m feeling down.

First off I decided to make some juices. I’ve been trying to have us eat all of the leftover fruits and veggies from Ellis’ party last week, but we still had a decent amount that really needed to go. So, I grabbed carrots, celery, and cucumbers that have been chilling in the fridge for a week and paired them with some ginger, lemon, and grapefruit. A very tasty juice if I do say so myself!

Next up I made my go-to ginger shots. I’ve been making these regularly since Brendan and I got married and I try to fix them for us once a week during cold and flu season. To make them simply juice 2 lemons, 1 green apple, a 1-inch piece of ginger, and then mix in some turmeric powder and a bit of black pepper.

I was feeling quite domesticated and resourceful today, so I took the citrus rinds that were leftover from juicing and decided to place them in a mason jar and cover them with some white vinegar. Hopefully within a couple of weeks I’ll have some nice all-purpose cleaner to use. This was my first time making a citrus vinegar cleaner so I’ll have to let you guys know how it turns out.

Once the boys got home I fixed Ellis some leftovers for lunch and finally took myself upstairs to shower and get dressed. By the time I was done with that I knew that Ellis was tired and ready to go down for his nap. So while Brendan went to go mow the yard I nursed Ellis and got him to fall asleep.

I spent the rest of the afternoon taking it easy doing a little bit of reading and writing. One of the books I’m currently reading is Call the Midwife: A Memoir of Birth, Joy, and Hard Times by Jennifer Worth. I actually watched the tv series on Netflix a couple of years ago before I realized it was a book. But my mom found this copy at Goodwill and let me borrow it to read. I’m not quite halfway through it yet, but I’m really enjoying it so far.

For dinner this evening I wanted to fix a warm filling meal that would leave us with some leftovers for lunches tomorrow, so I decided to make some spinach lasagna rolls. I’ve been eating fully plant-based on and off again this year (I can talk more about that in another post sometime), and I can definitely say that when I eat dairy like I did tonight, my body really doesn’t feel well afterwards. I’ve had this lasagna recipe since Brendan and I first started dating, but I don’t make it very often.

After dinner I tidied up the kitchen and Brendan’s office and then spent some time reading to Ellis before we finally got him to go to bed. Now I’m going to work on some more blog content while watching “Sister Sister” on Netflix.

I hope you guys had a wonderful Labor Day!

August

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I always forget how much I love the month of August until it’s upon my doorstep. It’s such a lovely transitional month where it’s still summer but the days are growing shorter, sometimes slightly cooler, and we slowly start to feel autumn in the air and the tug towards a new season. I like to think of it as the beautiful in-between. 

Today is the last day of August and the start of a new week. It felt like the perfect day to cleanse and reset from the busy weekend we just had. The last two weeks we have had family stay with us for a short period of time — Brendan’s brother and his brother’s girlfriend the week before last and Brendan’s parents this past weekend — and while I loved finally being able to open up our home to have guests stay over, it’s always nice to settle back into my own rhythm at home. 

Today has been the coziest of Mondays (well, for the most part). Ellis slept in his own bed all night long and woke up around 6:45am. It was still dark outside and the tropical rains we were expecting had already started. Even though my body felt tired my mind was ready to be awake and I was eager to start the day. 

I came downstairs to the sight of gift bags and various toys strewn across the living room floor, the aftermath of a wonderful birthday party. Ellis wasted no time and got right to playing while I went into the kitchen to start my day. Once we said our goodbyes and got Brendan out the door for work, I put on a pot of coffee and started fixing Ellis and me some breakfast.

We took things slow this morning. Ellis played and watched some tv while I sipped on my cup of coffee and started folding the two baskets of laundry that were waiting for me in the corner of the living room.

I like to start my day by writing out a little “to-do” list for myself. I find that this works well for my personality because if I reach a point in the day where I’ve lost focus and motivation its easy for me to glance at my list and see what task I can accomplish, no matter how small, to put me back in the right mindset.

Today’s list consisted mostly of tidying up the house and focusing my energy and intention on looking ahead to the month of September. I washed bedding (something I like to do either at the end or beginning of the month as a way to say “out with the old/dirty, in with the new/clean”), put away gift bags and tissue paper still left out from Ellis’ birthday party, cleaned out the fridge, burned some sage to cleanse our rooms of airborne bacteria (look it up), and transplanted a few of my plant babies to different pots.

I also spent a decent amount of time simply playing with Ellis. We played with blocks, colored, played with trains, read some books, and listened to music. His imagination has blossomed over this past week and I love watching him get creative in his play.

I recently read the book The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman and at the end of the book there was a short chapter on children and love languages. After reading that book and watching Ellis a bit more closely throughout the day, I’ve come to realize that quality time is definitely one of Ellis’ main love languages. It’s hard to be certain at such a young age but I can see the difference it makes in his attitude when I take a few minutes to put aside whatever it is I was working on to simply sit and be present with him. He notices now when I’m sitting next to him but my mind is not really there or focused on him. That was a big wake up call for me and is something I’m working on.

While today was lovely, I did have a few moments that had me telling myself “of course this would happen, its 2020!” I went down to the basement at one point to switch the laundry over and saw that there was water leaking down from the ceiling. That meant that there was probably rain coming in through the chimney, down the fireplace and into the basement.

So after I got that all cleaned up and came back up stairs my doorbell rang. Nobody ever comes to my door, so I was surprised and a little thrown off. I answered the door to see a few children with their mother walking away. When I asked how I could help them they said that my car window was down and they just wanted me to know since it was supposed to be raining all day. So I grabbed some towels and went to roll the window up. But the damage was already done and the back seat was soaked. I hope this isn’t a trend for the rest of the Mondays in 2020.

Anyway…

After Ellis woke up from his nap I made some broccoli cheddar soup for dinner. It felt like the perfect evening to make a cozy pot of soup since it had been raining all day and the high was only in the 70s. I put on an Autumn jazz playlist and got cooking in my happy little kitchen.

Brendan had to work a little later today and he also had homework to do this evening, but I didn’t mind. I got to spend a little more time with Ellis after dinner this evening playing, reading, and eventually letting him nurse until he dozed off. As I picked him up and carried him to his bed, I couldn’t help but hug him a little closer knowing that my baby is almost 2 and really isn’t a baby anymore. Who knows when these cuddly night time nursing moments will be a thing of the past. I’m not quite ready to give them up yet, so I’ll hold on just a little longer.

As we step into a new month and begin to shift into a new season, I’m looking forward to and believing in change for the better, focusing more of my attention on my boys and being a homemaker, and letting go of the things I can’t control and doing what I can within my little corner of the world.

What are you looking forward to in the month of September?

 

 

A Day in the Life — August 1st

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Hello, August! I can’t believe you’re here already. 

This morning after I finally admitted defeat to my toddler and accepted the fact that I was not going back to sleep, I cracked the blinds and we said “Good morning, world!” like we usually do. Sometimes we say “Good morning, sunshine!”, but this morning’s sky was gray and cloudy. Brendan had left the house early to go play basketball this morning, so it was just Ellis and me that crept down the stairs and into the living room. 

First I fixed Ellis some breakfast — cereal is his go-to, must have breakfast item of choice at the moment, much to this mama’s discontent. Next I turned on an old Mickey Mouse cartoon for him — again, another current favorite of his. I feel like I am becoming the mom I didn’t intend to be, but I absolutely understand how mothers get here…the toddler sass and drama can be real when you try to suggest something other than what they have their mind set on, and sometimes fighting it just doesn’t seem worth it. 

So cereal and Mickey Mouse it was this morning. Does that make me an awful mom? No. Do I still feel like a failure for giving him crappy cereal and letting him watch a cartoon first thing in the morning? Yes. What can I say though, I’m learning as I go and I’m trying to give myself grace on the days I fall short of my own mothering expectations. 

After getting Ellis situated, I went into the kitchen to brew myself a cup of coffee and fix myself a super nutritious breakfast of toast. ha. That’s right, I’m being real with you guys today. No nutrient dense, healthy breakfast for me this morning, just toast. While I waited for my coffee to finish brewing, I watered my plants and whispered good morning to them. Then I took my breakfast into the living room to watch cartoons with Ellis and share my breakfast with him. I didn’t need a whole breakfast for myself anyway, right?

The weekends are known as “Daddy Days” around here because Brendan is home instead of at work and Ellis gets to spend more time with him. It’s become a weekly ritual for the boys to go downtown to the train station in the morning on the weekends to see the Amtrak train come into the station. Brendan loves trains and is sharing that passion with Ellis now. It makes me happy to see them bonding together in that way and its adorable to see how fascinated Ellis is with trains. 

While the boys were out this morning I took a moment to write out a to-do list for the day and put a bit a makeup on — such mundane things really, but if I take the time to do them in the morning then I feel a little bit more put together and ready for the day ahead. 

Then I brought my cup of coffee and my journal outside to the deck to take in the beautiful morning. Today is August 1st and still very much summer time, but I’ve been feeling the subtle pull of autumn in the air recently. A few crunchy leaves on the ground here and there, crickets chirping in the early morning mist, and the gray overcast sky this morning had me day dreaming of cozy autumn days in this beautiful house. 

While outside I took some time to write out some of my intentions for the month of August and I also decided to write in my prayer journal, something I don’t do often enough. This time and connection with God and nature was good and grounding for me. 

I spent the early afternoon tidying up around the house and doing some chores that were neglected on Friday. I washed our new sheets, washed the dishes, and cleaned out the fridge. I fixed Ellis a smoothie and continued tidying up while the boys had lunch together. 

Then to my delight, I realized that Brendan had taken Ellis up to the bedroom to try and put him down for a nap. It was a bit earlier than Ellis usually goes down for a nap, so I wasn’t counting on him falling asleep right away. But thankfully, he dozed off almost right away and didn’t ask for mama to come upstairs and be with him. 

I was able to sneak away this afternoon to go grab a cup of coffee and find some outdoor seating where I could set up to do some blogging and reading. I like writing in the home office, but sometimes it’s nice to get out of the house and not feel like I have to focus on chores. 

After a couple of hours to myself, I felt a bit more calm and motivated. Brendan said that Ellis woke up from his nap happy and asking for dinner from our favorite Mexican food restaurant. So while I packed my things up and got ready to head back home, the boys went to go pick up dinner. 

We spent some time playing legos, listening to music, reading books, and running around the house with Ellis after dinner. The weekends are so nice when we’re all able to spend a little down time together. 

Once Ellis went to bed around 9pm, Brendan and I got ready to finish watching “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone”, which we had started the day before in honor of Harry Potter’s birthday. Yes, I am a Harry Potter nerd. Go ahead and judge me. 

Going forward with the month of August, I want to be more consistent with blogging regularly. When I first started blogging about 6 years ago now, I did a lot more photography and “weekly recap” lifestyle type posts. I honestly kind of miss that, so I might tap into that a bit here and there. What type of posts would you be interested in reading? 

A few more questions for you: How do you spend your mornings on the weekends? Do you write out monthly intentions? If so, what are some of your intentions for the month of August?

Breastfeeding Journey

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I have been breastfeeding Ellis for 14 months now. Its been a beautiful journey! We still enjoy snuggling up together to breastfeed morning, afternoon, and night. And honestly, I don’t see us slowing down anytime soon.

From the very beginning of my pregnancy I knew that I wanted to breastfeed my baby. My mom had breastfed me and my four siblings and other women in my immediate family had done the same. It was familiar to me and I knew I had a good support team of other mamas surrounding me.

Liquid Gold — The First Drops of Colostrum 

I started producing colostrum the day before I entered my third trimester. It took me by surprise! But I was so grateful that my body had already started producing food for my son.

I wondered if I would have a good milk supply since I started producing colostrum so early, but I tried not to place any expectations on myself and my body. I had started reading The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding per my midwife’s suggestion, so I felt like I knew a decent amount about breastfeeding. Still, I don’t think a book fully prepared me for just what to expect.

The First Latch 

I gave birth in the comfort of my own bedroom and was blessed to have skin-to-skin for the first few hours with Ellis before his newborn exam.

Sadly, I don’t clearly remember the first time Ellis latched on. I know it was within the first couple of hours after he was born, but that’s about all I can recollect. Both my midwife and doula helped me with getting Ellis to latch and showing me which positions I could try for nursing.

The next day when my midwife came back to do our 24 hour check, she asked how many times Ellis had eaten the day before. I don’t remember the number of times he fed, but I remember my midwife encouraging me to try and get him to eat more often. I felt so guilty when I heard her say that — I was worried that I was failing my baby and not feeding him enough.

The Early Weeks 

Right from the start, Ellis was a cluster feeder and loved to be held. And I chose to feed him on demand — no measuring or fretting about the time on the clock. When he was hungry, I nursed him. When he needed to be consoled, I nursed him. When he just wanted to be held close, I nursed him.

This worked really well for us and I enjoyed it.  The thought of measuring and feeding on a scheduled time stressed me out. It was much more convenient for me to just nurse him whenever he wanted and not worry about pumping or feeding him at a specific time.

That’s not to say that breastfeeding was a breeze.

The first few weeks were actually pretty uncomfortable and painful for me. My nipples were so raw and sore that it hurt when Ellis latched on. And since he was feeding so often, I felt like I never got a break to let my nipples heal. Both my midwife and my mom tried to help me work on getting Ellis to latch properly, but it just took us awhile to find our rhythm.

I was a little discouraged at first because the books I had read about breastfeeding basically said that if it hurt you were doing it wrong or baby wasn’t latching properly. But honestly, I just think my body needed time to get used to this new uncharted territory. I was hopeful after talking to my mom about it and seeing a few posts on social media where other mamas said to just give it a few months.

For me quitting wasn’t an option. Yes it was a bit painful those first few weeks, but I knew that there was a light at the end of that tunnel. And sure enough, around the 3 month mark breastfeeding became a lot easier and more enjoyable for the both of us. And at that point I was so grateful that I had pushed through and stuck with it.

Long Days and Late Nights

I think the hardest part of breastfeeding for me has been being needed so much. For the first couple months, I felt like I lived on the couch in the living room nursing Ellis and holding him while he napped. I watched so much Netflix that I became sick of looking at the TV.

The late night feedings were especially lonely for me. Even with Brendan asleep in bed right beside me, there was nothing to keep me company besides silly puzzle games on my phone and the low hum of the radio in the background. I would try telling myself that I would miss these moments with my baby once he was grown, but that brought me little to no comfort. All I wanted was somebody there with me, somebody to talk to.

Those lonely nights broke me. I would hold Ellis close and sob from shear exhaustion. There were times when I really thought I couldn’t carry on feeling the way I did (this was because of postpartum depression and anxiety, not just breastfeeding. But that’s a story for another time). But in those weary times, God was there with me and I grew closer to Him than I had in years.

While those nights were extremely difficult for me physically and emotionally, we eventually found our rhythm. And then I learned to nurse Ellis while lying down (game changer) and we all got a little bit more sleep at night. Those first few months were challenging, but we made it and I absolutely love breastfeeding now.

Breastfeeding Today

Breastfeeding for us has changed quite a bit over the past several months. What started out as being a time to cuddle close and nourish Ellis with my milk, has turned into times of playful giggles and acrobatics while he nurses. Even though Ellis still nurses throughout the day and nurses to fall asleep just about every night, its nice to have shorter feedings and longer stretches of time between feedings.

Now that I have been nursing Ellis for 14 months, I can say that all of the time, effort, and tears have been a million times worth it. I wouldn’t trade this experience for anything and I am so grateful that I have been able to nourish my baby this way.

However, I understand that breastfeeding is difficult for many women. Mamas, I want you to know that no matter what your journey looks like, you are not alone and you are no less of a mother for feeding your baby differently than I have done with my baby.

Support is one of the most helpful things we can give breastfeeding mamas! So if you have friends, family, or know of new mamas in your community that are starting out on their breastfeeding journey, reach out to them and offer them your love, support, and encouragement.

I will touch on breastfeeding tips, advice, and resources in another post soon. But for now I’ll leave you with a few of my favorite breastfeeding photos from the past year!

The Day Before I Met You

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It’s almost been a year since I gave birth to my Sunshine Babe. It feels like it was just a few short weeks ago when I realized that I was going into labor with him. I’ve shared Ellis’ birth story on my blog, but I wanted to do something a little different and write about the day before I had him. It might not be something that everyone cares to read, but I felt it was special to reminisce and document.

Sunday September 2, 2018

Sunday morning was like any other day. We got up and got ready to go to church at 11 a.m. I wore my leopard print dress with the sash around the waist because it felt nice and silky and looked good on my curvy pregnant body. I curled my hair and was feeling pretty good about the day ahead.

One of the very last photos of Sunshine Babe in my belly.

The night before I had a very vivid dream about giving birth to my Sunshine Babe. I had dreamed of giving birth twice earlier on in my pregnancy, but the dreams were always a bit fuzzy and hard to remember. Both times I had dreamed of giving birth before, I dreamed that labor kind of started abruptly and went very fast. Some of my family members were usually there, but Brendan was never around. One time I dreamed I gave birth to a boy, the other time a girl. In both dreams the labor was fast and painless. It was as if the labor was a blur. And in both dreams I asked to see the baby afterwards, but the baby was no where to be found, just my family surrounding me.

But this dream was different. In this dream labor happened fast just like in the earlier dreams, but this time I got to see my baby. I remember somebody telling me to look over to the side, and as I did my gaze met my baby’s. He had big, dark eyes and was looking right at me, into my soul. I woke up feeling a little more calm and ready to meet my baby, whenever he would decide to come.

Up until this point, I had been feeling a little anxious and nervous about my baby coming. I wasn’t scared of giving birth, I actually felt very prepared for that. But I was so nervous to become a parent. I was mentally preparing myself to make it to 42 weeks, in fact I wanted my baby to come later. But I had this little flicker of a feeling that he was coming early.

So we went to church that day, and I honestly can’t tell you anything about the worship service or the sermon. I remember that my brother and his girlfriend were there and they sat behind me and my husband Brendan. I remember my brother picked a piece of trash out of my hair at one point during the service.

After church we all went over to my grandma’s house for one more lunch with her before Sunshine Babe arrived. My grandma, brother, my brother’s girlfriend, Mom, my sister, Brendan, and I all ate pizza together for lunch. I don’t really remember what we talked about at the table and I don’t remember what the weather was like. I know I changed into black drawstring shorts and a loose gray t-shirt with daisies in the shape of a heart on it that Mom had bought me from Goodwill back in 2015. I used to wear it when I worked at my school’s campus farm.

My brother kept saying that I was going to have the baby the next day because it was Labor Day. I told him I really didn’t think that was likely since I wasn’t feeling any signs of labor and it was already Sunday afternoon. Everyone laughed at the thought anyway. As we were about to leave, I hugged everyone and then I told my grandma and my sister to feel my belly because it might be the very last time that they were able to. I had no idea how foreshadowing all of this would be.

Brendan and I went out to run a few errands after lunch. We went to Target and Walmart. I just had this nagging feeling that I needed to buy a few more towels and a mirror to have to be prepared for the birth. I went to Target because my sister had found a really cool Harry Potter Hogwarts t-shirt on sale at Target for about $3 and I wanted to see if I could find one before they were gone. Target was busy and I was getting annoyed with all of the women pushing shopping carts and blocking the sale racks. Luckily I was able to find one shirt left that was a Small. So I snagged that and I also bought the cutest little pair of baby moccasins that I had been wanting to buy for Sunshine Babe, and I got the heck out of there.

Next up was Walmart. I despise going to Walmart, and it was really the last place I wanted to go. But I needed some contact solution and I wanted to pick up those cheap towels and a hand mirror for the birth, so we got what we needed and got out.

On the way back home I started feeling a bit emotional and overwhelmed and I had no idea why. I remember when Brendan and I were almost home the song “Control” by Tenth Avenue North came on the radio and I started to tear up. I think I knew that I needed to release the pregnancy, labor, birth, and planning over to God. That moment really stands out to me.

I really don’t remember what we did once we got home. I think we just kind of hung around. I know I kept thinking I needed to go get groceries so we had food to eat and that we would have the fridge somewhat stocked for whenever I did go into labor.

We ended up getting McDonalds and Taco Bell for dinner. Lovely, I know. When we got home we decided to watch the first half of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows while we ate our dinner on the couch. We had started watching the Harry Potter series back at the end of July in honor of Harry Potter’s birthday and we were still making our way through them. As I went to go bite into my crunch wrap supreme form Taco Bell I realized that they put meat in it even though I asked for beans instead. There was no picking it out or eating around it either. I was so annoyed and grumpy. Brendan asked me if I wanted to take it back, and I didn’t even want to fool with it.

So after we finished dinner and our movie, we decided that we would drive to Liberty University to walk around on campus. I was on instagram posting about my dream I had the night before for a long while, and Brendan was frustrated by that. But I just felt the need to get that post written. It was dark, and muggy outside while we walked. We ended up walking about 2 miles around campus. We even walked up all the stairs next to the Freedom Tower. I’m pretty sure we stopped to go to the bathrooms while we were there and I remember the curls in my hair had fallen flat from the humidity, and I was sweaty and felt fat and tired.

Since my dinner was a bust we were going to make it up by stopping by Wendy’s to get a $0.50 Frosty on the way home. Well, we went through the drive-thru at the Wendy’s nearest to us and they told us that they only had vanilla frosty’s and it would take about 30 minutes to make the chocolate ones. So we decided to drive to the next one, and to our dismay they said they were out. We made one more drive through to the one on nearest our place and they still didn’t have any. It was about 10pm at this point and I was so irritated and just wanted to go home and watch TV.

And this is where I pick up and start the birth story of my Sunshine Babe.

Looking back now, I see the subtle hints my body was sending to me to settle down, take it easy, and prepare to meet my baby. But I didn’t know because it was my first time and I had no idea what to expect really.

Mother Blessing Ceremony

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Last week I was invited to photograph a Mother Blessing ceremony. This was the first time I had attended a Mother Blessing and it was absolutely beautiful. I love the idea of women coming together to nurture and love on the expecting mama and her baby.

A Mother Blessing is a time to put the focus on nurturing the expecting mama rather than simply giving her gifts. The ceremony may include gathering around the mother to pray over her or offer her a blessing, giving her a foot soak or massage, or painting her belly with henna.

Here are a few photos I captured at the blessing last week. To respect the privacy of the women at the ceremony, I am only sharing photos that do not reveal their faces.

Have you attended a Mother Blessing Ceremony? If so, what were some of the elements that  helped make the event special?