The Birth of Lennox Archer O’Malley Smith

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The Day Before

On the morning of Tuesday, January 11th, 2022, I woke up feeling tired and a little disappointed that I still hadn’t gone into labor yet. After weeks of feeling like I was ready to have this baby, I kept going to bed anticipating that maybe labor would start, and then I would drift off to sleep a little frustrated that I didn’t seem to be any closer to meeting my baby.

I had hoped and prayed that labor would start on the night of January 10th so that I wouldn’t have to go to my midwife appointment in Roanoke the next morning, but my baby and my body obviously had other plans. I was 41 weeks 3 days pregnant and our midwife Degra requires her clients to have a biophysical ultrasound scan at 42 weeks. So, we had gone ahead and scheduled the biophysical to be done that morning in Roanoke with Ultrasound America at 10 a.m. I am not a morning person by any means, especially because I have a really hard time going to bed early, so I was not looking forward to getting up early and then having to drive an hour to Roanoke, have an ultrasound, and then a prenatal appointment right after that.

Another reason I felt so disappointed that morning was because I had chosen to not get any ultrasounds during this pregnancy, unless it was medically necessary, and it seemed frustrating that I had made it to 41+ weeks and THEN had to get an ultrasound. In a sense I felt like a failure because I was agreeing to something I really didn’t want. At this point in my pregnancy I was losing the drive to advocate for myself and my baby. But, I told myself that at this point a quick ultrasound wasn’t the worst thing I could be agreeing to.

So, we drove the long drive to Roanoke. I was tired, I felt bad that Brendan was taking time away from working to come with me, and I also felt bad to drag Ellis along to the visit because I knew that was asking a lot of a 3 year-old.

Our ultrasound appointment lasted about 30 minutes or so, and the actual scan of the baby didn’t even take that long. Everything was looking good, baby was healthy and in a good position. Then after we made a quick coffee run to Starbucks we went to our very last prenatal appointment with Degra. We checked on the baby’s heart tones (all was looking good) and we talked about different methods of “natural” induction.

It felt surreal to even be talking about induction. Ellis was born at 39 weeks 5 days and I fully believed that this baby would come a bit early too, or at least come by 40 weeks. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would go past 41 weeks. Degra said that we needed to have a game plan in case we did need to kick start labor, so we went over all the options. At this point Degra said that the baby was healthy and looking good, so she wasn’t saying I had to try induction, but she wanted me to know what I wanted to do moving forward. If I hadn’t had the baby by that Friday then we would see Degra again at another prenatal appointment.

Most of the methods of induction didn’t sit well with me, but again I found myself agreeing to things I knew I didn’t want. Degra wasn’t pushing me to do any of the methods of induction, but I felt that I was running out of time. My biggest thought was that I would rather do some form of “natural” induction over having to go to the hospital, so I found myself saying I would consider things like a membrane sweep even though that’s not what I wanted at all.

During the weeks leading up to this appointment I had been drinking red raspberry leaf tea and eating dates daily, I had been going on long walks, and we had even been intimate in the hopes that labor would kick into gear. All of these were good for my body and helped get baby into a good and healthy position, but I knew that despite my best efforts baby was not going to come until baby was ready.

The method I felt most comfortable with and that I told Degra I was open to was using herbs to try and kick start labor. The herbal tinctures that were suggested were Ginger Root tincture, Black Cohosh tincture, and Blue Cohosh tincture. So I got the Ginger Root tincture at the local co-op in Roanoke and I ordered the other two for pick-up at Health Nut Nutrition in Lynchburg.

We headed back home and got back around 2 p.m. Brendan jumped back into work and Ellis and I just spent the afternoon hanging out together.

I felt so exhausted that day. I made a late lunch and sat in a patch of sunshine on the sunroom floor and ate. I don’t remember what else I did that afternoon besides going to Health Nut to pick up my tinctures I ordered between 4:30-5p.m.

I went to the store by myself and left the boys at home. On the drive back home I was listening to Christian music such as “Scars in Heaven” by Casting Crowns and the song “It is Well” and I cried. I was still feeling the weight of losing Maw and the many mixed emotions I had surrounding this pregnancy and upcoming labor. The sky was so pretty that evening and I was beginning to feel a shift.

The sky on the drive back home from the health store that evening. 5:25 p.m.

However, I still felt I was floating in limbo. Neither here, nor there. Sort of half-way between worlds; somewhat present but at the same time, drifting closer and closer to labor land. Other mamas will understand and know what I’m talking about.

I got home and knew that I needed to start cooking dinner, but I was weary and dinner was really the last thing on my mind. The boys were resting on the couch together and I was kind of hoping that Brendan would suggest we just pick something up for dinner. But, I reluctantly made my way to the kitchen to put a pot of water on to boil for some pasta.

By this time I was feeling really uncomfortable and I was occasionally feeling some tightness in my belly. I mentioned it to Brendan at one point and he felt my belly and said that I was probably having surges. I had thought the same thing, but it wasn’t painful or intense so I thought that if anything it was just a practice surge. I told myself there was no way that it could be the real deal.

We sat in the living room while we ate dinner and watched something on tv, but I can’t remember what we put on. I remember thinking a lot about Maw and how one of the meals we frequently had together when I was in college was pasta. Maw always had pasta noodles and jars of tomato and Alfredo sauce in her pantry. She would fix that along with a salad and some garlic bread that she made and kept in the freezer. A simple, cheap meal that now holds so many rich, sweet memories for me. As I sat there on the couch feeling so tired, I thought of all the conversations we had over those warm bowls of pasta and I found myself wishing I could have one more dinner with Maw.

I can’t remember what I did from the time Ellis went to bed to about 10:30p.m.

This is it

There were a few times over those last couple of weeks that I would start having some practice surges in the evenings. They would usually last until I laid down and went to bed, and then they would taper off. So I assumed the same thing was happening this time around and I really didn’t want to get my hopes up.

Last bump selfie before labor really picked up. 10:17 p.m.

Brendan went to bed around 11:30 p.m. or so, and I came back downstairs. I planned on sitting down with my cup of Nighty Night tea and watching an episode of “The Office” like I normally do before going up to bed. Around 12:15 a.m. I started noticing that I was having surges, but just like in times past I expected them to die down when I went to bed.

Before when I had practice contractions I was able to ignore them pretty easily when I was doing chores, sitting on the birth ball, or watching tv. But as I was tidying up a tad before sitting down with my cup of tea, I realized that I was getting irritated and the surges weren’t that easy to ignore. I decided then that I would message Mom, Alli, Ella, and Cori (my go-to ladies and support system) and let them know how I was feeling, but didn’t know if it would amount to anything. Cori (our photographer) responded and I told her I was going to watch some tv before bed, and that I’d let her know if anything changed.

As I sat on the couch with my tea in hand, I realized that I wasn’t able to ignore these surges. I decided that I would time a few of the them, just to see how far apart they were. At 12:35a.m. I had a surge and then again at 12:44 a.m., 12:48 a.m., 12:52 a.m. and so on. They were lasting about a minute and were roughly 4 minutes apart then, but they weren’t intense and then they would space out a bit. By then I was starting to accept that maybe this could be the real deal. I decided that what I needed to do at that point was get to bed and try and get some rest in case things started to pick up.

Right before I was about to head upstairs, I walked into the office and saw how brightly the moon was shining through the window. I felt like it was a sign that something was going to happen.

Looking at the bright moon from the office window right before I went to bed. 12:20 a.m.

Before laying down I decided to text the doulas to let them know that I was having some surges but didn’t know if they would amount to anything. I told them I was going to bed to get some rest and I would check back in to let them know if things started to progress. I didn’t wake Brendan up to tell him I was having surges because I wanted him to rest while he was able to. It was a little after 1 a.m. when I finally laid down to try and get some sleep. I remember that the thought of laying down seemed like it would be super uncomfortable to me.

Surges continued but I was able to doze off for a bit. Then a little after 2 a.m. I woke up to an intense surge that seemed to come out of no where. I had to really focus on breathing through it and then I felt some sort of internal pop. This time I woke Brendan up and had him help me up. I had thought that the pop I felt might have been my waters releasing, but when I got up to go to the bathroom I saw that it was just some bloody show, so I’m not sure exactly what I felt while I was still laying in the bed.

While in the bathroom, I filled Brendan in on when my surges had started and how far apart they had been. I was still having them in the bathroom and they seemed to be coming frequently and were quickly growing in intensity. Brendan got the app open on his phone and started timing them.

All of a sudden it seemed I had gone from moderate cramping to intense surges! I could no longer deny that I was in labor, but I still didn’t know where I was at in the process or when I should have the birth team come. Thankfully, Brendan was well aware of how I was doing and how quickly things seemed to be progressing, so he knew it was time to call the midwife and alert everyone else that planned to be there.

Call in the Birth Team!

Brendan stepped out of the bathroom to call Degra and let her know how I was doing and that it was probably time for her to head over. That was at 2:15 a.m.

About 15 minutes later, at 2:30 a.m., Brendan also texted the doulas, my mom, and Cori. Morgan (our doula) said that she was on her way. Brendan actually stepped out of the bathroom a second time and called my Dad. I was worried that we wouldn’t be able to get a hold of my parents, but thankfully they both had their phones on. Brendan told my mom that we didn’t need her help with Ellis at the moment because he was asleep, but that if mom wanted to be here when the baby was born she should probably head out soon.

After Brendan notified the birth team things start blurring together for me. I knew that everyone was on their way but I don’t recall much else besides that. I had been laboring in the bathroom leaning against the sink and breathing/blowing very hard each time I had a surge. At one point the thought crossed my mind that I should probably move to another room or position to try something different, but I had found my rhythm and didn’t want to lose it.

The surges seemed to be coming strong and fast, one on top of the other. At this point they were already about 4 minutes apart. I wanted Brendan at my side for every single contraction. He was doing hip squeezes and I was also having him apply counter pressure to my lower back for each contraction. We were pretty cramped in the bathroom and I knew Brendan didn’t have that much space to help me, so at some point we decided to move to the bedroom.

When we moved to the bedroom I had Brendan help me change into the “labor outfit” I had picked out. I wanted to wear something pretty and that I felt confident and cute in, especially since I was having pictures taken this time. I put on my pretty blue/green nursing bra, my pink animal print drawstring pants and my robe.

Morgan arrived first since she lives the closest. It was 2:50 a.m. when she came up to our room.

At that point I was laboring at the foot of the bed. With each surge I would kind of rock and move through the pressure and I would rise up on my toes and breathe really strongly, exhaling and blowing forcefully. I don’t exactly know why I started laboring this way, but I was trying not to get in my head and just flow with what felt right in my body. Looking back it seems a bit silly, but it helped me cope with the intensity of each surge and helped me move through each one with control and power.

Laboring at the foot of our bed. Brendan doing hip squeezes and applying counter pressure. 2:58 a.m.

Brendan was still applying counter pressure for me and after each surge I would lean over onto the pillows I had stacked at the foot of the bed. Morgan jumped in at one point and helped with counter pressure and hip squeezes. Immediately I could tell the difference! While Brendan’s hands felt more familiar and safe, Morgan’s hands felt more skilled and knowledgable. I welcomed the different sensation and was grateful that Brendan could rest and have a little break.

Around 3:15 a.m. I think Brendan suggested I do a bathroom break since it had been a while since I had gone pee. I forgot to go to the bathroom throughout Ellis’ labor and that ended up causing issues, so we knew this time it was important to stay on top of that.

Laboring in the bathroom against the sink. Brendan doing hip squeezes during surges. 3:21 a.m.

I really don’t remember going to the bathroom then. But I know I was wanting to get back to the bedroom and to the foot of the bed again.

By 3:21 a.m. Degra had arrived and was getting her stuff all set up in the room. Midwife Leslie had also arrived and was there to act as Degra’s assistant. Mom and Cori arrived right around the same time as well. Degra tried to listen to the baby’s heart tones for a couple minutes, but each time I had a surge and would lean over she had a hard time getting a good reading. So, around 3:50 a.m. she asked me to lay in the bed so she could get a better listen.

Leslie and Degra checking baby’s heart tones, Morgan applying comforting touch, and Brendan staying close by offering emotional support.
3:50 a.m.

Again, this is one of those times where I was in labor land already and it’s a bit hazy for me. I remember being in the bed, but don’t really recall Degra asking me to get there and I don’t really remember anyone helping me up or anything.

Laboring in bed on my back, even for just those few minutes, was really uncomfortable though. I just kept my eyes closed and focused on my breath, which is what I had been doing the whole time. I was aware of how strange my belly felt and how lopsided it looked. This suggested that the baby was possibly in a funky position.

Degra checking baby’s heart tones. 3:54 a.m.

Before I had laid down in the bed, I remember thinking that the surges were just coming SO FAST. I didn’t know how long I could handle them coming so quickly at that intensity and thought to myself,“if I can just catch a break in between and get a little rest then I will be okay”. But I was a little nervous because I didn’t know how much longer I had to go at that point.

After Degra checked the heart tones, I remember hearing her say that if the baby didn’t move after awhile then we might need to try walking up and down the stairs to try and get baby into a better position. I felt like I was in such a dream-like state at that point and Degra sounded so far away. Internally I groaned because walking up and down the stairs sounded like the last thing I wanted to do, because I knew it would make the surges more intense.

Degra telling me to rest. 3:57 a.m.

I knew I wanted to rest, and apparently I was able to communicate that well enough to my birth team. Degra told me to rest if I could, and then she would check back in and we would go from there. I rolled over to my left side and Morgan stuffed pillows in between my legs to help keep my hips open and around me to help me get comfortable.

I was aware that Mom and Cori were in the room at that point and I told Mom she could come over and say “Hi”. I don’t remember what we said to each other, but I felt comforted by her presence. She brushed my hair with her hand for a bit before she and Cori left the room to let me get a bit of rest.

Mom coming over to talk to me for the first time since she arrived. 4:03 a.m.

I didn’t want to deal with surges while lying down because it made them feel 10x more intense, I just wanted to rest so I tried to focus on breathing through each one I felt. A birth affirmation that I had on my wall came to mind while I was lying there, “allow, release, let it go”. I really tried to stay relaxed through each surge and not tense up like I had done during Ellis’ labor, and I did that by coming back to my breath.

By 4:24 a.m. I was sleeping and not really waking during the surges. I never opened my eyes, just breathed heavily and focused on blowing. I didn’t know who all was in the room with me, but I was aware that Brendan was laying in bed behind me applying counter pressure and reassuring touch. And I thought that Morgan was either beside me or at the foot of the bed.

In my dreamy state I heard somebody ask about where they could go to lay down and rest. And I roused myself enough to mention that there were extra clean blankets on the chest freezer down in the basement. That’s me, always worried about others and making sure everything is taken care of in the house, even during labor.

Apparently, the midwives were just about to go down the stairs to go rest for a bit when they could hear and tell that things were about to pick up the pace.

I was still laying in the bed when I felt another surge coming, and I could tell it was going to be a bit more intense. This time at the peak of it my body started to bare down and I involuntarily grunted. In my head I was feeling a little bewildered, there was no way my body could be pushing already!

Morgan was so sweet and encouraging saying “I like the sound of that!”. A minute later the midwives made their way back into the bedroom to check on me. This was at around 4:50 a.m.

To The Bathroom

After laboring in bed a few more minutes and the midwives checking on me we decided that a bathroom break would be a good idea. Degra wanted me to sit down on the toilet so that she could check baby’s heart tones but I couldn’t relax enough to fully sit down. I was dreading it, because lying down or sitting made the surges come in full force!

At 5:07 a.m. I was still hovering over the toilet, trying my best to relax and NOT have a surge so Degra could get a good heart tone reading. When a surge would come I just felt like I needed to poop, not really like I needed to push. I’ve heard that this is a good sign that things are really moving along, but I had never experienced this feeling while I was in labor with Ellis, so this was all new to me.

During all of this, I was starting to really zone out and head deep into labor land. Morgan had put up some fairy lights in the bathroom and the soft glow was so warm and comforting. I was staring up and into space, practicing non-focused awareness and trying my best to breathe deeply and fully. I started nodding my head as a coping mechanism and repeating affirmations to myself. I knew that the next surge I would have was going to be hard.

Laboring over the toilet. Degra checked me and said baby was crowning!
5:08–5:16 a.m.

After telling Degra I felt like I just needed to poop, she decided to reach down and check me and discovered that the baby’s head was starting to crown! I was in complete disbelief that I was this far along. At this point there were 5 of us crammed into our tiny little bathroom, with Cori and my Mom just right outside the bathroom door. I started to think that I might birth this baby right there over the toilet in the bathroom!

Since we had very limited space in the bathroom, Degra wanted to get me back to the bedroom. Hearing that made me want to laugh — how in the world was I going to get back to the bedroom while crowning?! In reality, the bedroom was only about 5-10 feet away from the bathroom, but in that moment it might as well have been 5-10 miles away. That was at 5:13 a.m..

Back to the Bedroom

With the help of Brendan and my birth team, I made the trek across the hall back to the bedroom. I remember reaching out for mom’s hand as I passed by her. Once I got back to the bedroom I paused at the foot of the bed to rest and collect myself. Degra wanted me to get back up in the bed, but I needed a minute.

By 5:18 a.m. the birth team had helped me back up onto the bed. I was on hands and knees and honestly I was just so blown away that I was at this point in labor already.

Back in the bed. 5:21 a.m.

This was such a sacred window of time. I vividly remember feeling like I needed to tune everyone else out for a moment and talk to my baby. During Ellis’ labor, I never talked to him. I had read about the amazing benefits of communicating and connecting with your baby in labor, but I guess I felt too silly to do that. This time around, I didn’t overthink, I just followed my instinct.

I told baby that we were so close, and I asked baby to slow down and work with me. I needed a few minutes, I knew that, so I communicated that to baby. And according to Morgan, there was a solid 5 minutes with no surges! There in the bed, in between worlds, I felt Maw so close to me. I told baby not to worry, that Maw was here with us helping us, and that we were going to be okay. We had waited so long for this. I felt peace wash over me and had renewed strength. I was ready.

The Birth

Morgan whispered softly to me and said, “You’re doing so good. You’ve got this, Mama! You’re so close to having this baby”, and I said in response, “I can’t believe I’m this close.”. I asked Morgan,“When did I even go through transition?”, and she shrugged and said, “In your sleep when you were laying here, that one grunt-y contraction you had before you went to the bathroom.”. We laughed at that, but I was really in disbelief!

That window of space felt so long, but not in a bad way. I wasn’t in pain or discomfort. I asked if it was normal to have a break in surges like this and Degra assured me it was. I truly think that I didn’t believe I was so close to the end. Degra even had to remind me that if I had another surge I could bear down. I said “I can?”, and Degra replied, “Yes, baby’s head is right there!”. I said it didn’t feel like the baby’s head was right there, and Degra told me I could reach down and feel if I wanted to. Reaching down and in to feel my baby’s head was so wild! I never got a chance to feel that when I was in labor with Ellis.

At 5:25a.m. I had one strong surge and baby’s head was born! Baby was in such a good position, pursing his little lips. Degra removed the sac from baby’s face as I asked if everything was fine. Everyone assured me that things were great! I asked if someone could help me catch baby when it was time. I didn’t get to catch Ellis when he was born, and I was determined to catch my baby this time.

Baby’s head stayed out for 2 minutes before I had another surge, with no concern from the midwives. He stayed halfway between world and womb in the most loving, safe, and calm environment. I kept my hand on his head the whole time, and it was the strangest most magical feeling I have ever felt in my life.

When the next surge came I felt like I had pretty good control and was focused on my breathing. Degra gave me a verbal nudge to really push, and one big push later baby came flying out into my hand. Degra helped me catch baby since I was still on hands and knees and she passed him right to me between my legs. Baby cried right away!

Baby is born right into my hand! 5:27 a.m.

Lennox Archer O’Malley Smith was born at 5:27 a.m. on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022.

I couldn’t believe it. I had waited so long to hold this sweet boy. I cradled his warm, slippery body in my arms as he cried, such a good strong cry. I said “We did it! Wow.”, and then asked what time it was, and again I was in disbelief at just how fast he had come!

He’s here! 5:28 a.m.

The placenta was born at about 5:45 a.m. with no complications. Brendan cut the umbilical cord around 6:08 a.m. and just a couple minutes later, at 6:10 a.m. Lennox latched and breastfed for the very first time.

Brendan cutting the umbilical cord. 6:08 a.m. and Lennox’s first latch. 6:11 a.m.

It all felt so sacred. I couldn’t believe that I had such a beautiful, intense, but relatively easy labor and birth. After such a long, hard pregnancy, I was beginning to think labor might be the same. But it was the complete opposite.

The First Few Hours

As soon as Lennox was out and in my arms I felt immediate relief. Just knowing that I wasn’t pregnant anymore made me want to cry sweet tears of joy.

When I gave birth to Ellis I had an episiotomy and had to have stitches. But this time around the midwives said I didn’t really tear, and that if I promised to stay in bed and rest for 5 days they didn’t think I would need any stitching or interventions of the sort.

That was huge for me, because two things I really wanted during this home birth were 1) I wanted to catch my baby and, 2) I didn’t want to tear.

The plan was to have Ellis be present and in the room when I was about to have the baby, but labor ended up going much faster than I anticipated and since Ellis was sleeping so soundly, I didn’t want to wake him up.

So a little after 7 a.m. Ellis woke up and got to come in and meet his baby brother for the very first time! That was such a special moment for me, holding both of my sweet boys together and seeing the wonder on Ellis’ face. He loved his little brother so much already!

Ellis meeting his baby brother Lennox for the first time. 7:06 a.m.

After the birth team got us all cleaned up and settled in bed, everyone went downstairs to eat and give me, Brendan and our baby some space. Our birth team and my mom were amazing, bringing us food and anything else we needed. My first meal after giving birth was scrambled eggs and Ezekiel toast.

Another one of the wonderful midwives who attended the birth, Danielle, performed Lennox’s newborn exam a little after 9 a.m. Thats one of the many many things I LOVE about home birth — the birth team really honors that sacred window of “The Golden Hour”, giving mama and baby time to bond skin-to-skin and establish breastfeeding during the first hour after birth. Also, there’s just something so magical about mama and daddy being able to hold their baby and get to know them first before a bunch of other people have handled them.

Newborn exam. 9:06 a.m.

I was excited for Brendan to get to weigh Lennox during the exam. I knew that this baby was bigger than Ellis had been, and we were all estimating that he would be around 7 pounds, maybe. My mouth fell open when Brendan held him up in the scale and the number read 8 lbs 7oz! Almost a whole two pounds heavier than Ellis had been. So Lennox was 8lbs 7oz and 21 inches long.

8lbs 7oz! 9:08 a.m.

Ellis and my mom were in the room to watch the newborn exam and I just loved that they got to be a part of that.

After the newborn exam my mom helped me clean up a bit more. Since I was on hands and knees when I gave birth, my feet got baptized in blood and birthy liquids. So my mom literally bent down and washed my feet for me. Talk about a picture of humbling yourself and serving your children. That was a moment that really stands out to me.

Mom helping me get cleaned up. 9:38 a.m.

I don’t recall exactly when everyone finally left, but I think it was afternoon. Degra had suggested that my parents take Ellis out for the afternoon/evening so that me and Brendan could get some much needed rest. So, my dad got off of work early and he and my mom took Ellis to their house for the afternoon to get some special time with them. That was such a relief to me and I so appreciated my parents’ help.

For the rest of the day Brendan and I got to rest and soak in our sweet baby boy. My parents brought Ellis back after 7 p.m., he had fallen asleep on the way back home.

Soaking up the snuggles with our baby. 9:54 a.m.

After my parents left, we settled down in our room, which I called the “Mother Nest”, and had our special Birth Day dinner that I had prepped ahead of time and put in the freezer. We had spinach lasagna rolls and then for Lennox’s birth day cake we had a very special homemade cheesecake that my dear friend Sarah had made and brought to me for Christmas. I had put it in the freezer with the intention to save it for Lennox’s special day.

We snuggled up in the bed as a family and watched “The Office” before going to sleep for the night.

Birth Day Dinner and dessert. 7:55 p.m.

Closing Thoughts

One of my greatest fears surrounding this labor and birth was that I would end up being alone. Mentally, emotionally, and even physically. But I had the most beautiful, healing home birth just like I had envisioned and I felt so loved and held by everyone who was there with me that morning. I even felt held by Maw, which meant the world to me.

It has taken me a whole year to deeply process my birth with Lennox. If I’m being honest, I’m still processing my pregnancy and postpartum with him. My story with Lennox goes so much deeper than what I written here, and that is why it has taken so long to even share this.

Pregnancy was extremely difficult due to circumstances I had no control over or say in, and postpartum was the same way. But his birth was a beautiful, sacred window of healing light and empowerment. Bookended by loss and heartbreak, shedding and growth, this birth healed me in places I didn’t know were broken. I am forever grateful for that and so proud of myself for the hard work I have done.

I am extremely grateful for my wonderful support team who showed up for me, not only on the morning of his birth, but during the difficult weeks leading up to his birth when I lost Maw, and the long days postpartum stepping into my new role as of mother of two.

If you have made it this far, I want to say “thank you” for reading and sharing in the joy of this beautiful day with me.

*Photos by Cori Michelle Photography

On a Healing Journey

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Each year before my birthday I sit down to reflect on my life, where I’ve been, and where I think I’m going. This is that little reflection:

✨ On a Healing Journey ✨

“On a healing journey” is the best way I can think to describe my life right now. Some days I feel like I’m thriving, the best version of myself. Other days I feel like I’m just barely surviving, the most broken version of myself I have ever met.

The past couple years have beaten me to the ground. Life has trampled over me, kicked dirt in my eyes, spit in my face. There have been days I’ve wanted it all to end. Days I didn’t care anymore. Days I wanted to throw in the towel and let the devil win.

But there have also been days where I felt strong, like I could take on the world. Brave, ready to look pain in the eyes and face my fears. Resilient, having so many heavy things hit me so hard so fast, yet I stood my ground and fought.

The truth is life sucks. I never thought I would have walked this road. I never imagined I would be struggling with my mental health. But here I am. There’s no way to dance around it, so I have chosen to boldly walk through it. This is my life and I am working on accepting what has been, so I can change what will be.

While I would have never chosen to walk some of these paths I’ve been led down, I can see how God is using them for good in my life. Some days that’s hard to admit, but I know it’s true. I may be strong, brave, and resilient, but I am only capable of those things because of God. I wouldn’t still be here if it wasn’t for Him.

God let the world break me, so that I truly had to depend on Him. My faith has been tested, my world has been rocked. But through it all He has remained constant.

I pray that I continue to walk this life I have been given in love, humility, and grace. And I pray that I can be like my Maw in the way she carried herself and always, no matter what, pointed others to Jesus.

Jesus was willing to endure mockery, betrayal, and the cross when he didn’t deserve it. I’ve always known that, but never fully understood the weight of that until I had to walk through hard things myself. Trust in God, sweet friends. The world and people will always let you down, but He never will.

Here’s to healing ✨ and hopefully a beautiful last year in my 20s.

Remembering Maw — Memorial Day Cookout 5/28/2012

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Memorial Day Cookout 5/28/2012 — A Personal Journal Entry

This is an excerpt from a journal entry of mine from May 2012. I was at a Memorial Day family cookout at Maw’s house. That evening of the cookout I spent time looking at one of Memaw’s (Maw’s mother) scrapbooks and I also remember having a conversation with Maw about my college classes and how defeated I was feeling after my last semester. Maw always knew just what to say to uplift and encourage me. This conversation with her always stuck with me thereafter and I’m so glad I journaled about it.

“I had asked Maw if she could get out Memaw’s old scrapbook so that I could look at it and she had it sitting out for me to look at. I spent at least two hours looking at it. Maw and I took it outside and looked at it on the patio together.

I love looking at all of the old pictures of my beloved relatives and the relatives that I wish I could have met. And I love hearing Maw tell me stories and memories from her past. Memaw used to write poetry and I absolutely love reading it! Her poetry is so beautiful. Reading all of that poetry has inspired me to write and journal and scrapbook.

Maw told me that Memaw would love to know that I love poetry and reading all of the classic novels (Memaw’s favorite novel was always Jane Eyre)! I guess I get my love of poetry from Memaw. Maw has also told me before that Papa would be so proud of me for loving to work in the garden. I feel like I know Memaw and Papa, but Papa died before I was born and I’m pretty sure Memaw did too. I really wish that I could have met them, I think that we would have really gotten along with each other and I would have loved them even more than I do now. But I know that I will get to meet them in heaven one day. I know that Memaw and Papa are looking down from heaven watching me.”

………………..

“While the girls were still playing, Maw came to stand by me and she asked me how my summer was going so far. I told her that it was going good but I was just afraid that it was going to go by too fast. Maw told me to just enjoy every day of my break. Then we got to talking about classes and school work.

I told her that I guess I would be ready to go back to school when the time comes. And I was telling her that I was still upset about my bad grade that I got in BIBLE. She told me that one bad grade didn’t matter and that I have come a long way, and that as long as I am learning, grades aren’t that big of a deal. I told her that I was learning a lot, but that I feel like sometimes no matter how hard I try I still get low grades.

And at this point I was tearing up. Maw told me that she had to work really hard in school too! And that good grades didn’t come easy for her. Maw said that she had a cousin that just got really good grades so easily but that she was different. Maw hugged me and told me that I can do it. She gave me the love, support, and encouragement that I needed and can get from no one else. I just know that I want to graduate and keep pushing forward.”

Re-reading this journal entry almost 10 years later is kind of surreal. I still remember that conversation with Maw like it was yesterday. I was feeling so defeated and embarrassed about my bad grade in that one college class. I was worried I had disappointed my family and I felt like I was failing and couldn’t measure up. I think when Maw saw how I was feeling and she opened up to me about how getting good grades was hard for her too it created this safe space for me. She also made me feel loved and supported. I was putting my worth and identity in good grades, but Maw reminded me that I am enough just as I am, with all of my flaws and short comings.

For as long as I can remember, Maw was always encouraging me and speaking positively over me. Even when I felt so defeated and didn’t think I could do something, I knew that she whole-heartedly believed in me and knew I could do it. Maw always told me the story of how her daddy believed in her, and when she didn’t think she could do it her daddy would tell her “You can do that, Kat!”. Maw told me that she would always think to herself “If Daddy thinks I can do it, then I guess I can”. What a beautiful picture of how powerful our words are and how much of an impact they can make on the next generation.

Autumn & Halloween Decor

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A new tradition I started with Ellis last year was to pull out all of our Autumn and Halloween decor on (or around) September 10th and start decorating our house for the changing seasons. This year we did the same and I loved seeing the excitement and enthusiasm on Ellis’ face as we began to decorate for “pumpkin day”, as he calls it.

Its no secret that I adore Autumn and all the cozy decor that comes along with it. The more velvet pumpkins around my house the better! I have also loved Halloween ever since I was a young teenager and have always been fond of incorporating a little bit of spooky charm along with my cozy autumn decor.

I don’t really know what to call my style, and for awhile I used to worry about the fact that I couldn’t choose just one type of Autumn decor or color scheme to decorate with with. I knew the neutral color palette of an Autumn farmhouse style wasn’t for me, yet I didn’t like the completely gaudy purple and orange of straight up cheap Halloween decorations you find in a lot of stores this time of year. Instead, I have come to find that my Autumn decor style is a bit of an in-between mixture of the two.

Over the years I have collected a decent amount of Autumn and Halloween decor. Especially because my birthday falls in the month of September, I usually get lots of decor items as birthday gifts, which I actually love. Since moving into our own house, I have much more space to decorate and this year I tried to stick to one color palette or theme for each of our main area rooms on the first floor.

The living room is focused on deep oranges and mustard yellows with all the pumpkins and cozy lights. Since we spend the most time in this room I really wanted to make it feel warm, cozy, and inviting. I love fixing a cup of hot herbal tea and cuddling up on the couch in the evenings and watching a show with the orange fairy lights on.

In the dining room I have kept things more “classy” autumn focused instead of Halloween. I chose mostly green and cream colored pumpkins in this room as the center piece on the dining room table.

The kitchen is definitely the heart of the home and I love adding little bits of cozy and quirky things to the room to make the space feel more personalized. I decided to make this room more centered on my witch decor this year. I found the cutest tea towel at Target this year that said “Bewitchin’ in the Kitchen” so I got that and I also got a new witch mug which I love. Both were lovely additions to my collection.

I want to know, do you decorate for Autumn or Halloween? If so what style do you lean towards? Happy Haunting, Friends!

Answered Prayer

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A few weeks ago, God took care of a situation and answered a prayer of mine that I have been praying about for a year now. I still find myself stopping in gratitude as I go throughout my day and taking a moment to thank God for providing and protecting me and my family. I don’t want to take these sweet moments for granted, because I have come a long way from when I started praying for this situation.

There were a lot of dark, hard days last year, especially going into the fall and winter months, that left me wondering if I would ever feel happy or whole again. I couldn’t make sense of the situation and I was left feeling hurt and confused. But even on the toughest days, I trusted that God was going to take care of me even if things didn’t play out the way I wanted them to.

During that season of waiting and praying I learned a lot. I learned that sometimes God lets us go through difficult situations in life, not because He doesn’t care about us but because He wants us to learn and grow from our trials. And He also wants us to learn to lean on and trust Him, not just in the good times, but in the bad.

If God would have answered my prayer in the way I wanted last year when I turned to Him, I wouldn’t have grown in grace and strength the way I have. I would have wanted all of my problems to disappear right then and there, instead of doing the ugly, messy work of healing. I would have missed out on valuable lessons and learning what areas of my life needed growth. I can see all of that now that I’ve come through it, but God knew what I needed all along.

This picture was taken at the beginning of July this year. I will never forget this evening. About a month prior to this I came to God in boldness and desperation, telling Him that I couldn’t go on much longer with this situation the way it was. I needed Him to move for me in a mighty way, and remove some things from my life that only He could.

While I had been praying for a year about this season I was in, I realized that my faith hadn’t been what it needed to be. I was still trying to hold on too tightly and control things myself. It wasn’t until I realized that I needed to fully surrender my situation to God and trust that, no matter what, He was going to fight my battles, that I was was able to release everything into His hands.

A month after that, when this picture was taken in July, a new chapter was beginning to unfold in this season of my life. I was finally starting to see prayers being answered. I went on a walk by myself that sweet July evening, and as I walked the same paths I always do on Liberty University’s campus, I found myself feeling a deep deep gratitude for all of God’s goodness, His mercies, and protection during this incredibly difficult season I had been walking through.

I couldn’t help but smile as I walked and looked at the gorgeous sunset. I had this overwhelming sense of peace. Peace that things were indeed going to be okay. I heard God telling me “See, I told you I was going to take care of you. Trust me and let me handle this.”.

As the sky burned with deep colors of orange and red as the sun began to set, I felt the need to stop my walk and sit in the prayer garden for awhile to pray. Yes, I had been thinking all of these thoughts of gratitude to God, but I knew He wanted me to take a moment to stop, turn my music off, and just be still in His presence. So I did.

I sat and reflected on all I had been through the past year, and how through it all God had carried me through. I would never choose to walk that path again, but I could see how God had used all of it for my good. As I sat in stillness, I prayed for God’s protection, no matter how the situation was to unfold, and asked that He would help me to trust Him, even when it is difficult.

As I got up from the prayer garden and continued on my walk, I couldn’t help but feel that all of campus and nature was humming and singing praises and peace along with me. The campus was quiet but it also felt so beautiful and alive, I haven’t felt that there in a long time. I smiled as I walked, and felt a bit lighter and more confident. I even saw a mama deer and her two little fawns. I had the urge to look up the meaning of a deer encounter right away and read that “a deer encounter can represent unconditional love, gentleness, peace, and to trust in your inner wisdom and intuition.” I thought that was perfect and very much described what I was feeling in the moment.

I share all of this as encouragement to anyone who is going through a difficult season right now. Know that even in the darkest times God is with you and He hears your prayers. Our prayers might not always be answered the way that we think they should be, but remember that God’s timing is perfect and His ways are better than ours.

I have definitely seen God’s hand in my life and how He has provided for me and my family, but none have been so evident to me than in this difficult season I have walked through. I believe that I have walked through the darkness and come out on the other side and now have the empathy and experience to help others that are walking through similar seasons of life. What a beautiful thing to come out of so much pain!

This has been on my heart recently and I felt led to share. I hope that if you are going through a difficult season you find hope and encouragement to keep pressing on!

My 27th Birthday

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Every year around the beginning of September, right before my birthday, I like to take some time to reflect on the past year and look at what I’ve gone through and how I’ve grown. Last year when I wrote this type of reflection post, I said that 26 had been the hardest year of my life. Well, little did I know that 27 was going to bring me to my breaking point and force me to go through a lot in order to grow a lot. 

As I sit here taking in the past year of my life, I am reminded of my birthday celebration last year and what a beautiful day it ended up being. I always wanted to share about my 27th birthday on my blog last year, but it just never happened. So, I thought I would share a little bit about that today and some photos from my birthday last year.

27 

Last year for my birthday all I wanted to do was get dressed up and go out to lunch like things were normal. My mom, grandma, and Brendan had planned on coming out to lunch with me at one of my favorite local restaurants downtown and then afterwards I was going to have some family over for dessert and coffee that afternoon. 

I picked a cute outfit, curled my hair and took a little extra time to do my makeup. Brendan was going to come home on his lunch break, pick Ellis and I up, and then we were going to meet my mom and grandma at the restaurant downtown. Well, as we were about to head out the door, my mom let me know that the restaurant was closed that day. I was so upset. I don’t do well with plans changing last minute, and while I know this was kind of out of our control, I started to lose it and I ended up having an anxiety attack. 

My mom suggested that we pick a different place to eat, or that we pick up something and bring it back to the house, but I was too upset and didn’t care at that point. Brendan ended up driving us around for awhile while we decided what to do next. And I quickly started to spiral. On top of being disappointed that things weren’t working out the way I wanted them to, I then started feeling so bad that Brendan took time to leave work to spend his lunch break with me, and here I was crying and not knowing where to go to eat. 

I ended up telling him to just pick a place for Ellis and him to get some food and not to worry about me. At that point I was feeling like I was so upset that I didn’t want any family to come over to my house after lunch time. I didn’t want to have to try and act happy and hide how stressed out and disappointed I was. My mom insisted that it would be okay and that everyone would still come over and it would all be fine. 

I fought it for awhile, but I also didn’t want to disappoint anyone else by changing plans last minute. So, we ended up picking up some lunch for me and bringing it back home and I ate a bit while I finished tidying up the house before everyone showed up. Brendan went back to work and Ellis and I waited for everyone to come over. 

While I was eating my lunch my sister texted me telling me Happy Birthday and asking if I’d like a coffee. I told her that would be so nice and then proceeded to tell her about how the day was just going as planned so far and how I was stressed. Since I knew she had class that afternoon, I figured she would be bringing me a coffee later in the day when her classes were over. 

My mom and grandma were the first ones to arrive. I was still bustling around and feeling pretty frazzled and didn’t even realize that my sister was also there. She surprised me by skipping her class that afternoon so she could come over for my birthday. I don’t usually get emotional in front of other people, but I couldn’t help tearing up when I hugged her. In that moment I started feeling the love that I needed most in that moment, even though I had tried pushing everyone away and canceling the whole afternoon. I’ll never forget that moment.

My mom walked in with two big Mum plants to go in the beautiful stone planters that my dad had gotten me for my birthday, and again I felt loved. Not long after that everyone else arrived and we all just kind of gathered around in the living room to chat. I was surrounded by all of the women closest to me in my life — my mom, sister, grandma, aunt, cousin, second mama and what I consider my adopted sisters.

Ellis ended up playing upstairs with the girls almost all afternoon, so I felt like I got a much needed break from being “mom”. And the rest of us sat around and talked about motherhood, being a stay-at-home-mom, and me just kind of opening up about how I felt so defeated and how I felt like motherhood felt so overwhelming to me. 

I don’t know if anyone picked up on it that afternoon, but looking back now I realize that I was caught right in the thick of postpartum depression. I just couldn’t shake the fact that motherhood felt too hard, and I thought I was just a bad mom or not meant to be a mom. Even if nobody knew how bad I was suffering in that moment, I was still grateful to have people that loved and supported me all around me that day. 

We ended up opening presents and then eating a homemade vegan lemon bar dessert that I had made. We put candles on the dessert and everyone sang “Happy Birthday” to me, and I felt so much happier. 

When Brendan got home from work all I wanted to do was to get some dinner and watch one of my all-time favorite movies, “Breakfast at Tiffany’s”. Ellis ended up falling asleep before we could get him dinner, so the two of us ate Rivermont Pizza while watching the movie. And then I got to open up my presents from Brendan. He had also bought me some beautiful Mums.

I don’t know if many people will care to read this blog post, as it’s almost just like a journal entry for myself. But I loved these pictures from last year and wanted to share them. I’m hoping and praying that my 28th year of life will be full of growth, change, grace, and beauty. The world feels like a scary place to be in anymore, but I know there is so much life and beauty here too. 

First Trimester — Pregnancy Recap

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It’s true when they say every pregnancy is different. In a lot of ways, this pregnancy has progressed pretty similarly to my pregnancy with Ellis. But there are some stark differences this time around that have completely caught me off guard. 

When I was pregnant with Ellis I did a month-by-month update on my pregnancy and talked about how I was feeling physically and emotionally. I didn’t feel led to share that often this time around, at least during the first trimester, so this post will be a re-cap of the entire first trimester all rolled into one post. Going forward, I might write some updates more often if the mood strikes me or if anyone shows interest in it.

Okay, lets dive into the first trimester and all the messy stuff that comes along with it! 

The First Few Weeks 

I was just 4 weeks along when I found out I was pregnant. I took a pregnancy test on the day I was supposed to start my period and those two little lines on that stick saying “positive” were so bold there was no denying it. As I mentioned in my last post, I had a deep intuitive feeling that I was pregnant before I ever took a test. Intuition aside, there were plenty of signs that my body was sending to me to let me know a big shift was happening. 

This is what I love about the Fertility Awareness Method (FAM) of tracking my cycle (if you don’t know what FAM is I highly encourage you to go look it up!), it has helped me learn more about my body and be so in tune with myself that I can detect when ovulation is, when my period is about to start, and when I am pregnant. I want to write a separate post on this topic in the future, especially because I have been using FAM for years and it is how I got pregnant with Ellis and this baby, and how I avoided pregnancy in-between without ever taking any kind of birth control. 

Anyway, those first couple of weeks after finding out I was pregnant were pretty normal. At the time I was doing intermittent fasting, drinking coffee everyday, eating plant-based, and feeling very active and energetic. I was physically feeling the best I ever have in my life! 

We had a beach trip planned with Brendan’s family the next week and I was a little nervous for how I would be feeling. It was around week 6 during my pregnancy with Ellis that I first started feeling nauseous and a bit lethargic, so I was hoping I could make it through this trip without feeling sick. I was definitely not ready to share the news with family yet, so I was praying that everything would go well during the trip. 

Thankfully, I made it through that week feeling pretty normal. I did find myself exhausted in the evenings and couldn’t stay awake late, but besides that I was able to eat all the normal foods I usually do and wasn’t feeling sick at all. But on our way back home from the beach that Thursday, I started feeling lethargic and not up to eating a whole lot. I wasn’t sure if this was due to being pregnant or just being tired out from vacation.

5 weeks, 4 days pregnant with little Luna Baby ❤️

The next week after vacation was week 6 of this pregnancy, and sure enough about halfway through the week I started feeling fatigued and a little nauseous. It’s such a strange feeling to go from feeling your very best, and the healthiest you have ever been, to zero energy or desire to eat normally. 

When I was pregnant with Ellis I felt nauseous for about 2-3 weeks, and then that faded away. I never actually got sick which I’m extremely grateful for. This time around I feel like the nauseousness and fatigue dragged on and on throughout most of the first trimester. 

How I’m Feeling Physically 

During those early weeks, I found myself feeling tired in the afternoons and even took a couple of naps on the couch while Ellis watched some cartoons on certain days (if you know me, I despise naps and never take them). After dinner, I found myself beyond exhausted and most evenings I would just crash on the couch and doze until it was Ellis’ bedtime. This really threw me off of my normal day-to-day rhythm, and I forgot just how physically draining growing a tiny human can be. 

In addition to feeling exhausted I felt extremely bloated from the start. I did feel this way during my first pregnancy, but again this time around it seemed that the bloating would never go away. As a result of the bloating, I felt like I already had a baby bump showing at just 8 weeks. At that point it really was just bloating, but I felt huge and was convinced that everyone was going to be able to tell that I was pregnant. 

The fatigue, nauseousness, and bloating were the only main physical differences I noticed right off. I definitely felt different in my body and was able to pick up on the changes much sooner during this pregnancy. 

Food Aversions 

When I was pregnant with Ellis I started experiencing a few food aversions right around week 7 or so. For the most part during my first pregnancy, I could eat savory/spicy foods for a couple weeks and coffee was replaced with ginger tea when I was feeling a bit nauseous. But besides that I was able to eat most all of my favorite foods during the entirety of my pregnancy. 

This time around, things have been vastly different! 

I have never been so disgusted by so many of my favorite foods. I think the food aversions started around week 6-7 and they hit hard! It was as if overnight I couldn’t tolerate foods such as cereal, crackers, tortilla chips, peanut butter, rice, spicy/savory foods, onions and garlic, and coffee. I found this so bizarre as a lot of these foods were plain and would normally have been easy on my stomach (such as the crackers and plain cereal). 

My guess is that these foods were processed and fairly oily and thats why I felt so turned off by them. Just the smell of plain cooked rice, a saltine cracker, pretzel or tortilla chip would turn my stomach. It was as if I was smelling and tasting them for what they really were, overly processed and full of all kinds of additives the baby didn’t need. 

The coffee is really what threw me off. When I was pregnant with Ellis, there was a couple weeks that I couldn’t drink it when I was feeling nauseous in the mornings, but that only lasted a few weeks at most. This coffee aversion has lasted well into the second trimester during this pregnancy. I have always been a coffee lover and its the one thing I have never wanted to give up know matter how healthy the rest of my diet is. But I could not stand smelling it, cafe drive-thrus turned my stomach, and drinking it tasted like burnt, bitter, oily water. It was the weirdest thing! But again, I feel like it was the baby’s way of protecting themselves from the caffeine and whatever other nasty stuff is in coffee. 

When I got a bit further along into the first trimester I started fixing a cup of green tea when I wanted a little pick-me-up, or if I was out I would get an iced matcha green tea latte. Not the best because it still contains caffeine, but a heck of a lot better than coffee. 

What I’m Eating and Craving 

I try to listen to my body when it comes to what foods I eat. I was eating plant-based all through the month of April and up through the first week or so of May. I had been feeling great and thriving eating this way, but when the fatigue started to kick in my appetite also increased a bit (weird, I know). I started feeling like my body was craving more protein (which I don’t eat a whole lot of) and since I know I usually struggle with eating enough food period, I felt like I should start including some things back into my diet for the time being. 

I started adding in some pasture raised eggs for breakfast in the mornings because I knew it would give me some protein first thing in the morning to start my day off with and it was one of the only foods during those first few weeks that actually sounded good to me. I also switched to using grass fed butter instead of the oil based plant versions I had been using. And I allowed myself to add some dairy back into my diet. 

I felt extremely guilty and disappointed in myself at first for doing this, since I had been feeling so great eating plant-based. But I knew it was important to listen to my body and put the needs of my baby above my own for the time being. 

My guilty pleasures in the very beginning were pasta and ice cream. I always wanted ice cream when I was pregnant with Ellis, which was pretty unlike me since I usually reach for a salty or savory snack over sweets. But alas, this pregnancy is no different in regards to the ice cream. 


Pregnancy is Strange!

I’d say the weirdest thing about this pregnancy, besides the odd food aversions, is my heightened sense of awful smells and the fact that sweat/body odor smells like straight up onions to me! That’s right, when I sweat I smell like onions. My husband and my mom have assured me that they don’t think I smell like onions, so I guess (I hope) it’s just my nose that is interpreting it that way. But it’s actually the worst thing ever haha. The coffee aversion I can deal with, but this I am so over. I know that women tend to sweat more when pregnant and that their hormones can change and therefore change the smell of their body odor, but I’ve just never heard of this. 

And then my heightened sense of bad smells this time around is killing me too. I feel like during those first couple months I was so sensitive to so many different smells. Even smells I usually really enjoy such as citrus fruits had a very off putting odor to me. Oh well, I can only hope that these things will disappear once the baby is born. Somebody please tell me these things will go away!! 

Securing My Birth Team 

During my first pregnancy, I had a difficult time finding the right prenatal care (I have written about that in another blog post if you care to read it). After a few hiccups, I finally met with my midwife for the first time and knew that she was the right fit for me. Trying to hunt down the right midwife really stressed me out last pregnancy, so I knew that right from the start one of the first things I wanted to do during this pregnancy was get my birth team secured. 

I wasted no time at all and called my midwife just 3 days after I found out I was pregnant. I knew it was so early on, but I wanted to go ahead and make sure she was available to attend my birth, especially because I am due right around Christmas/New Years. I was so grateful to hear that she could take me on as a client again! 

A few weeks later I reached out to a team of doulas in the local area. My doula from my first pregnancy has since moved to a different state, so sadly we could not have her attend this birth. But we have so many amazing birth workers in this area and I had heard wonderful things about this group of doulas, so I knew before I was pregnant I would want to meet with them to discuss their services. 

I met with my doulas the first week of June and felt such peace in knowing they were the right women to have attend my birth. They were also available around my estimated due date, so we were able to secure their services right away. And then later that week I had my very first prenatal meeting with my midwife. 

Both Brendan and Ellis were able to come to the prenatal meeting with me and we were all able to hear the baby’s heartbeat together for the first time. It was such a special moment and Ellis’ reaction and excitement were so sweet! He is thrilled to be a big brother. I absolutely love the midwifery model of care and how it gives the whole family the opportunity to be involved. There’s nothing like it!

Well, this turned into an extremely long post. But if you made it this far thanks for reading!! Hopefully I can get a few more posts written soon about the second trimester, what books I’m reading, and going through pregnancy after Postpartum Depression (PPD). If you are currently pregnant or have already had your baby, how was the first trimester for you? 

Conception Journey with Baby #2

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Carrying another babe in my womb is something I have thought about regularly since I gave birth to Ellis. I always knew that I wanted to have several children, I just never imagined how extremely difficult the postpartum period would be for me, or how it might change my mind on when I would want to try for baby #2.

I thought that maybe 2020 would have been the year to try for another baby, but for so many reasons 2020 ended up being the hardest year of my life and a baby was not on my radar at all. It wasn’t until I had made some significant changes in my everyday life this year that I started to feel ready to try again.

Clean Sweep

April was a beautiful transformative month for me this year. In addition to doing a major cleanup and shift with my diet and incorporating more workouts into my exercise routine, I also did a lot of growing mentally and emotionally. And with growth usually comes some pain. 

I did a lot of release work during the first few days of April. And let me tell you, letting go of certain things and situations in my life, surrendering, and accepting that I really have no actual control is some of the hardest, most terrifying internal work I have ever done. My counselor really helped me with this, and before I saw things take a turn for the better, I had a lot of shadows and doubt that I had to work my way through.

This is very deep and personal stuff I’m talking about, and I might share more about this in another blog post, but I just felt like I couldn’t tell this story of my second pregnancy without mentioning just how emotionally intense this month was for me. 

As the month of April moved along, I started feeling the best I ever have physically. I had gone back to eating a plant-based diet at the beginning of the month, I had started intermittent fasting, and I was still doing daily yoga. For the first time in years, I felt strong, healthy, and confident in my body! I loved the way my body looked and I was amazed at the energy I now had. 

I always thought that I would reach my body’s prime in my early 20s before I had children. I was feeling pretty comfortable and happy in my body before I became pregnant with Ellis, but after I had him I never thought I would quite get back to where I was. In a sense I was right about that, my body has never quite gone back to what it was pre-pregnancy. But after putting in a lot of time, dedication, and hard work, I have learned to love my body and what its capable of even more! 

Am I Ready For Another Baby?

There were a lot of times last year that I wondered if I would ever feel ready to have another baby again. For years, Brendan and I had both talked about wanting to have several children, but after experiencing the worst of my Postpartum Depression (PPD) I think we were hesitant to rush into another pregnancy. (I’ll talk more on the topic of my experience with PPD in a future post.)

But with time and lots of healing work on both our parts, we were feeling hopeful and excited to be talking about when we would want to start trying for another baby some time this year. In my head, I was thinking that I’d continue to clean up my diet, get stronger, and do more healing to work through my PPD before trying to conceive. Midsummer was sounding like a good time to me to start trying for baby #2. 

However, as God would have it, I would become pregnant a few months ahead of “my timeline”. And isn’t that the way God tends to work? We think we know best and like to plan out our lives and be in control of how things will play out. With my tendencies toward perfectionism, this is a very hard thing for me to let go of and give God control over. 

I also always told myself that I would never want to have a winter baby. Winter is my least favorite season and there are so many reasons I would not choose to have a baby during the coldest, bleakest months of the year. But, again, God had different plans for our life, and that’s okay. Sometimes we need a good dose of this to wake us up a bit and serve as a reminder that we are indeed not in control. 

So during the month of April, both Brendan and I felt comfortable saying that if I happened to get pregnant our hearts were ready to welcome another baby into the family. But we weren’t ready to start actively and intentionally trying to get pregnant. I think being comfortable with the possibility of getting pregnant without the stress and pressure of actively trying to conceive was good for both of us. 

Trusting my Intuition

By mid April I started having that deep, intuitive feeling that I was pregnant. I knew that we hadn’t been actively trying, but there was definitely a possibility that I was. The feeling was strong, but I didn’t mention it to Brendan. 

When I first took a test to see if I was pregnant with Ellis, I took the test as early as I possibly could, before I had even missed my period. This time around I knew I could do the same thing, but something was telling me to be patient, wait, and lean into my own intuition. That took a little bit of surrendering, but it was worth it. 

The end of April was a very emotional time for our family. Brendan lost his grandfather on April 25th and we got the call that he had passed away while we were sitting at the dinner table. And I’ll never forget feeling so strongly in that moment that I was for sure pregnant. 

On Monday April 26th, I woke up excited and a bit nervous to take a pregnancy test. I was supposed to start my period that day and I was feeling pretty certain that I would see those two little lines pop up on that stick. I waited until Brendan left for work, then I went to the bathroom to take the test. 

I set the test on the back of the toilet and avoided looking at it for a minute or so while I washed my hands, looked at myself in the mirror and said a little prayer, knowing that my life might be shifting in a big way. And sure enough, I turned around and those two pink lines lay looking up right at me. Positive. I was pregnant.

A happy little gasp escaped my mouth as I stood looking at the test. My intuition had been right! I can’t remember if I told Ellis that morning or not, but I knew that I would be waiting a couple of days before I shared the news with Brendan. Just as I felt very strongly that I should wait to take the test and trust my intuition, I felt that I needed to have a couple of days of keeping this news to myself. 

There was something so sweet and sacred about keeping this beautiful little secret to myself, just me and this little babe. For the next couple of days I went about my everyday rhythm with a bit more purpose and intentionality. My morning yoga felt a bit more magical knowing there was a new little soul being knit within me, I was being more loving and attentive to Ellis thinking about how he wasn’t going to be my only little baby anymore, and I felt like anyone I came in contact with must have known I was pregnant because I felt like I was glowing and about to burst at the seems with happiness. 

That night, I went to a prenatal meeting I had with some of my doula clients. The drive out to their house was filled with peaceful landscapes and farm lands, and it was the most delicious spring evening. I was so excited for this couple who were expecting their first little baby and I was also feeling equally excited for myself as I was expecting my second baby. 

It was late when I left their house and the full pink moon was shining so bright. The moon followed me all the way back home, and I couldn’t help but feel the magic that the evening held. I reached down to stroke my belly and to talk to my baby to let them know just how thrilled I was to be carrying them. My little Luna Baby ❤ 

That’s the name that came to me, so gently and naturally, that evening. Already I could feel a stark difference with this little soul than I had when I was pregnant with Ellis. Ellis felt like such a bright, energetic, little fiery soul, my Sunshine Babe. This baby was different — very calm, gentle, soft, and sweet, my Luna Baby. The Sun is associated with more masculine, bright, yang energy. While the moon, or Luna, is associated with more feminine, gentle, quiet, yin energy. And who knows, this baby may turn out to have a wild and bold personality too. But for now, this pregnancy has felt calm and meditative, sweet and gentle. 

Telling My Husband I’m Pregnant

Wednesday April 28th is the day I decided to tell Brendan I was pregnant. I knew this time around I wanted to involve Ellis with announcing the pregnancy to Brendan, so as soon as I found out I was pregnant I ordered a t-shirt for Ellis off of Amazon that says “Big Brother” boldly across the front of it. I figured I would wait until Brendan got home from work that evening and then we would surprise him with the news. 

Ellis has this thing about wanting to hide from people, even Brendan and me, when they come over to our house. He likes to pretend he’s not around and we have to look around until we find him, his own little version of Hide-and-Seek. So, I took Ellis upstairs to our bedroom and told him that we would put his new “Big Brother” shirt on and hide from Daddy, and then when Daddy came upstairs to find us we could pop up and say “Surprise!”. Ellis liked that idea! So I told Brendan that we would be “hiding” upstairs when he got home and he would have to come find us. 

My heart was pounding as I waited upstairs for Brendan to come home, I was both nervous and excited to tell him I was pregnant. Ellis hid on our bed amidst all of the pillows and I stood in the corner of the room with my phone out ready to capture the moment on video. 

When Brendan walked in he looked over at me and seemed confused that I was videoing him. Ellis jumped up and said “Surprise!” and pointed at his shirt. The look on Brendan’s face was priceless as he read Ellis’ shirt and realized what the surprise was. Brendan walked over to me and scooped me up and lifted me up in the biggest embrace. I then handed him the pregnancy test, which I had wrapped up in a pretty gold ribbon. It was such a sweet, emotional moment and it made it all feel that much more real to me. ❤ 

I look forward to sharing more about this pregnancy journey and how different it has been compared to my first. Up next I think I will share about the first trimester and how that was for me physically and emotionally. 

My Yoga Journey

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For the last four years I have started each January by doing a 30 Day Yoga challenge. There’s just something about the start of the new year that gets me motivated to try new things and incorporate movement into my everyday routine.

While I have been no stranger to the art and practice of yoga, my relationship with my own daily practice has blossomed this year like never before. I rediscovered a love for yoga in January and, as cliche as it might sound, I’d say that it has changed my life in so many ways for the better.

Nice to Meet You, Yoga!

I first dipped my toes into the world of yoga when I was about 18 years-old. I had just finished my first year of college and was feeling weighed down by some unhealthy habits that I picked up while living on campus. I was feeling frustrated in my own body and was not happy with the way I felt — overweight, sluggish, and stuck. I knew I needed to make some changes in my diet and my relationship with exercise.

So, that summer I started doing at-home pilates regularly and I threw in a couple of yoga poses here and there. I had recently switched to a vegetarian diet and was enjoying those changes in my food choices as well.

At that point in my life, I was still trying to discover who I was (who am I kidding, I still am!) and I liked the whole idea and vibe of living a more down-to-earth hippie/hipster lifestyle.

I think in a sense I was trying to fit myself into this stereotypical white washed version of a more healthful lifestyle. In my head I wanted to be like these happy, care-free people I saw online or around campus that seemed to be into healthy eating and doing yoga outside on a regular basis.

While I did find that I genuinely enjoyed yoga and being vegetarian, I think I was really trying to jump into something that made me stand out a little bit. Growing up with four other siblings, this is something I constantly found myself striving for, something that only I was good at or interested in, something to call my very own.

Anyway, that was 2012. My interest in yoga didn’t go any further than getting a yoga mat and doing a few stretches on it. It wasn’t until 2016 that I really picked up my yoga mat again.

It’s Not About the Shape

By the beginning of 2016 I had finished college and earned my undergraduate degree, I was working my first part-time job in my field of journalism for a local magazine as the editorial assistant for a short stint of a couple months, and I was also deep into planning my wedding which would be taking place at the end of May.

Since I was done with school and had more free time on my hands, I really wanted to put some healthy exercise habits into place so that I could be strong, fit, and healthy by the time my wedding rolled around.

In March I came across a week long yoga challenge that my local yoga studio was holding. The challenge consisted of posting a picture of yourself doing the yoga pose of the day on your instagram account and tagging all of the sponsors for the challenge. The winner would win a couple of passes for free yoga classes at the studio and a gift card to a local taco food truck.

I thought this sounded like fun and knew it would help me jump back into yoga.

I ended up winning that Instagram contest and that further motivated me to continue practicing yoga.

I found myself looking forward to doing the daily yoga poses and finding just the right location to take a photo. I was surprised at how well my body was able to fold into these shapes. Granted, these were easy poses for beginners, but I was feeling motivated to try and stretch myself into more challenging shapes. I remember the first time I did a tripod egg inversion, I got such a rush of excitement.

The two months leading up to my wedding day I practiced yoga frequently in my bedroom in my grandmother’s basement where I lived at the time. I didn’t have a fancy space set up and I really wasn’t doing any flows or yoga videos. What yoga looked like for me then was rolling out my mat in a little corner of my room, in front of my cheap floor length mirror, and twisting my body into certain shapes that I wanted to get “good at doing”. The tv would be on the in the background as I practiced posing in these shapes. There was no mindfulness involved and I really wasn’t feeling more connected to my body.

Yoga Challenges

Fast forward a few months to after my wedding and moving to a new city with my husband. I didn’t really do anything yoga related until the month of August.

I came across an instagram account called “DoYouYoga” where they would post monthly yoga challenges. These challenges were very similar to that first one I did back in March, where you have a certain pose for the day and you post a picture of yourself in that pose.

I quickly jumped into a few of these challenges toward the end of 2016 and really enjoyed participating. While I liked the challenge of trying to get my body into certain postures, it sometimes felt forced, like my body wasn’t really ready for it. There was no gradually stretching my body, building strength, or learning the foundations of the pose. I wanted to rush into being a yogi, without actually taking the time put the work in and cultivate my own daily practice.

My First Yoga Class

In 2017 I started to get more comfortable and familiar with our city and knew that I wanted to go to my first yoga class at my local yoga studio. I kept putting it off because going new places by myself always makes me nervous, but I didn’t really have any close friends at the time to ask to accompany me. But I had a feeling that it would be a freeing experience to go to my very first class solo.

This was kind of the extent of my experience with yoga for a couple years. In all honesty, I loved the idea of being a yogi and carving out daily time for it. But my relationship with yoga never went deeper than the photos I posted on Instagram.

I went on to take a few yoga classes that spring/summer. There was one time I went with a friend who invited me to a yoga class that was held at the rock climbing gym she was a part of. We went on the evening of that Summer Solstice and it was a beautiful evening. While I enjoyed flying solo to most of the classes I took, it felt great to have a friend who was also interested in yoga and willing to go with me.

It became clear to me after those classes that there was something much deeper to be found in yoga than simply contorting my body into cool postures. These regular goers of the yoga studio seemed to have a deeper knowing about them, a wise intelligence, and they seemed to be at peace and so connected to their bodies. I knew that I hadn’t found that side of yoga yet, and didn’t know if I had the time or dedication within me to go looking for it then.

Find What Feels Good

Throughout the remainder of 2017 I did a few more yoga challenges. But it wasn’t until January of 2018 that I discovered the Yoga With Adriene community. At that point I think I had heard of Adriene Mishler and had probably even done a couple of her yoga videos when I searched for yoga videos on YouTube, but I had never heard of her 30 Day Yoga Journeys that she does every January.

So, in January of 2018 I decided to join in on the True 30 Day Yoga Journey with Adriene and thousands of others around the world. It felt like a big commitment, especially because I had just found out I was pregnant a couple of weeks prior, but I was determined to see it through.

There were definitely some mornings where I had to begrudgingly drag myself out of bed to do my yoga practice before work, and there were some days where the early pregnancy nausea and fatigue had me wanting to nap on the couch instead of getting on the mat and moving my body, but I did the 30 days and was proud of myself for showing up.

I wish I could say that after that month I was hooked and started consistently practicing yoga, but that wasn’t the case at all. For the next couple of years I went on to do those 30 Day Yoga challenges in January, and then simply let my practice fall by the wayside and let my yoga mat sit in the corner collecting dust.

It wasn’t until January of this year, 2021, that I felt a huge shift in my perspective and my desire to search for healing in many areas of my life. One way I have found healing is in how I move and take care of my body. I spent a lot of time at the gym last year, essentially physically and mentally beating myself into shape, and I knew I couldn’t keep doing that to myself.

I plan on writing a separate blog post about my yoga experience this year soon. But I really felt like sharing my beginnings with yoga and how far I’ve come! I know this is a long post, so if you’ve made it this far I just want to say thank you for being here. Namaste!

Mental Health Awareness Month

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I remember that when I took this photo on my birthday weekend in 2020 I thought 27 was going to be “my year”. After the past few months with the pandemic going on and the craziness that the world was in, I thought that surely this coming year would be better and things would start looking up.

I imagined being 27, spending cozy fall evenings cuddling up at home enjoying my autumn decor. I imagined having friends over more often for small dinner gatherings where I would make a delicious homemade meal and there would be soft jazz music playing in the background. I imagined being more bold and confident in who I was as a person, living the way I thought was best for me and not caring what other people thought. But, the following months I felt anything but confident, I didn’t want to have people over, rather I slowly started pulling away from others. There weren’t many happy cozy evenings that October, instead I spent many nights up late, the hours fading into the early morning, crying and unable to sleep.

Last fall my anxiety reached an all time high, the Postpartum Depression I chose to ignore came flooding back in full force, and I don’t know how many people around me actually knew how much I was suffering. I had trouble letting others in, I didn’t want to tell others the thoughts I was having or the way I was feeling. It all felt so hard and complicated to put into words, plus I really didn’t want to burden people with my problems.

Looking back, I wish I had let people in sooner. I wish that I didn’t push people away, or try to pretend that things were okay when clearly they were not. I wish that I hadn’t spent so many sleepless nights up by myself, with just the tv on for comfort because I was too afraid of what others might think of me and what I was going through.

I thought 27 was going to be a year where things slowly started to look up, because how could they get any worse? But I didn’t realize that I would have to reach my breaking point, the lowest of lows, before I reached out to my best friend, before I asked for prayer, before I started going to counseling. I didn’t know that in order to seek true healing, I would have to actually ask for help. I thought I could do it on my own or ignore it until it went away. But God doesn’t want us to go through life, and especially the soul crushing seasons of life, alone.

I am so grateful that I am finally in a better, healthier place now and am actively working on overcoming my Postpartum Depression and Anxiety. There has been a lot that has happened over the past 2 1/2 years of my life that has played into this, things I will be working on healing from for quite some time. But May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and I’m so grateful for the conversations that are being had and the resources that are being shared about this topic. And I am so happy that I feel like I am finally in a healthy enough place that I feel lead to share more about my experience. Mental illness is real and many people suffer from it and we should not feel ashamed about it. I plan on sharing more about this season of my life as I feel lead to. ❤️