Carrying another babe in my womb is something I have thought about regularly since I gave birth to Ellis. I always knew that I wanted to have several children, I just never imagined how extremely difficult the postpartum period would be for me, or how it might change my mind on when I would want to try for baby #2.
I thought that maybe 2020 would have been the year to try for another baby, but for so many reasons 2020 ended up being the hardest year of my life and a baby was not on my radar at all. It wasn’t until I had made some significant changes in my everyday life this year that I started to feel ready to try again.
April was a beautiful transformative month for me this year. In addition to doing a major cleanup and shift with my diet and incorporating more workouts into my exercise routine, I also did a lot of growing mentally and emotionally. And with growth usually comes some pain.
I did a lot of release work during the first few months of April. And let me tell you, letting go of certain things and situations in my life, surrendering, and accepting that I really have no actual control is some of the hardest, most terrifying internal work I have ever done. My counselor really helped me with this, and before I saw things take a turn for the better, I had a lot of shadows and doubt that I had to work my way through.
This is very deep and personal stuff I’m talking about, and I might share more about this in another blog post, but I just felt like I couldn’t tell this story of my second pregnancy without mentioning just how emotionally intense this month was for me.
As the month of April moved along, I started feeling the best I ever have physically. I had gone back to eating a plant-based diet at the beginning of the month, I had started intermittent fasting, and I was still doing daily yoga. For the first time in years, I felt strong, healthy, and confident in my body! I loved the way my body looked and I was amazed at the energy I now had.
I always thought that I would reach my body’s prime in my early 20s before I had children. I was feeling pretty comfortable and happy in my body before I became pregnant with Ellis, but after I had him I never thought I would quite get back to where I was. In a sense I was right about that, my body has never quite gone back to what it was pre-pregnancy. But after putting in a lot of time, dedication, and hard work, I have learned to love my body and what its capable of even more!
Am I Ready For Another Baby?
There were a lot of times last year that I wondered if I would ever feel ready to have another baby again. For years, Brendan and I had both talked about wanting to have several children, but after experiencing the worst of my Postpartum Depression (PPD) I think we were hesitant to rush into another pregnancy. (I’ll talk more on the topic of my experience with PPD in a future post.)
But with time and lots of healing work on both our parts, we were feeling hopeful and excited to be talking about when we would want to start trying for another baby some time this year. In my head, I was thinking that I’d continue to clean up my diet, get stronger, and do more healing to work through my PPD before trying to conceive. Midsummer was sounding like a good time to me to start trying for baby #2.
However, as God would have it, I would become pregnant a few months ahead of “my timeline”. And isn’t that the way God tends to work? We think we know best and like to plan out our lives and be in control of how things will play out. With my tendencies toward perfectionism, this is a very hard thing for me to let go of and give God control over.
I also always told myself that I would never want to have a winter baby. Winter is my least favorite season and there are so many reasons I would not choose to have a baby during the coldest, bleakest months of the year. But, again, God had different plans for our life, and that’s okay. Sometimes we need a good dose of this to wake us up a bit and serve as a reminder that we are indeed not in control.
So during the month of April, both Brendan and I felt comfortable saying that if I happened to get pregnant our hearts were ready to welcome another baby into the family. But we weren’t ready to start actively and intentionally trying to get pregnant. I think being comfortable with the possibility of getting pregnant without the stress and pressure of actively trying to conceive was good for both of us.
Trusting my Intuition
By mid April I started having that deep, intuitive feeling that I was pregnant. I knew that we hadn’t been actively trying, but there was definitely a possibility that I was. The feeling was strong, but I didn’t mention it to Brendan.
When I first took a test to see if I was pregnant with Ellis, I took the test as early as I possibly could, before I had even missed my period. This time around I knew I could do the same thing, but something was telling me to be patient, wait, and lean into my own intuition. That took a little bit of surrendering, but it was worth it.
The end of April was a very emotional time for our family. Brendan lost his grandfather on April 25th and we got the call that he had passed away while we were sitting at the dinner table. And I’ll never forget feeling so strongly in that moment that I was for sure pregnant.
On Monday April 26th, I woke up excited and a bit nervous to take a pregnancy test. I was supposed to start my period that day and I was feeling pretty certain that I would see those two little lines pop up on that stick. I waited until Brendan left for work, then I went to the bathroom to take the test.
I set the test on the back of the toilet and avoided looking at it for a minute or so while I washed my hands, looked at myself in the mirror and said a little prayer, knowing that my life might be shifting in a big way. And sure enough, I turned around and those two pink lines lay looking up right at me. Positive. I was was pregnant.
A happy little gasp escaped my mouth as I stood looking at the test. My intuition had been right! I can’t remember if I told Ellis that morning or not, but I knew that I would be waiting a couple of days before I shared the news with Brendan. Just as I felt very strongly that I should wait to take the test and trust my intuition, I felt that I needed to have a couple of days of keeping this news to myself.
There was something so sweet and sacred about keeping this beautiful little secret to myself, just me and this little babe. For the next couple of days I went about my everyday rhythm with a bit more purpose and intentionality. My morning yoga felt a bit more magical knowing there was a new little soul being knit within me, I was being more loving and attentive to Ellis thinking about how he wasn’t going to be my only little baby anymore, and I felt like anyone I came in contact with must have known I was pregnant because I felt like I was glowing and about to burst at the seems with happiness.
That night, I went to a prenatal meeting I had with some of my doula clients. The drive out to their house was filled with peaceful landscapes and farm lands, and it was the most delicious spring evening. I was so excited for this couple who were expecting their first little baby and I was also feeling equally excited for myself as I was expecting my second baby.
It was late when I left their house and the full pink moon was shining so bright. The moon followed me all the way back home, and I couldn’t help but feel the magic that the evening held. I reached down to stroke my belly and to talk to my baby to let them know just how thrilled I was to be carrying them. My little Luna Baby ❤
That’s the name that came to me, so gently and naturally, that evening. Already I could feel a stark difference with this little soul than I had when I was pregnant with Ellis. Ellis felt like such a bright, energetic, little fiery soul, my Sunshine Babe. This baby was different — very calm, gentle, soft, and sweet, my Luna Baby. The Sun is associated with more masculine, bright, yang energy. While the moon, or Luna, is associated with more feminine, gentle, quiet, yin energy. And who knows, this baby may turn out to have a wild and bold personality too. But for now, this pregnancy has felt calm and meditative, sweet and gentle.
Telling My Husband I’m Pregnant
Wednesday April 28th is the day I decided to tell Brendan I was pregnant. I knew this time around I wanted to involve Ellis with announcing the pregnancy to Brendan, so as soon as I found out I was pregnant I ordered a t-shirt for Ellis off of Amazon that says “Big Brother” boldly across the front of it. I figured I would wait until Brendan got home from work that evening and then we would surprise him with the news.
Ellis has this thing about wanting to hide from people, even Brendan and me, when they come over to our house. He likes to pretend he’s not around and we have to look around until we find him, his own little version of Hide-and-Seek. So, I took Ellis upstairs to our bedroom and told him that we would put his new “Big Brother” shirt on and hide from Daddy, and then when Daddy came upstairs to find us we could pop up and say “Surprise!”. Ellis liked that idea! So I told Brendan that we would be “hiding” upstairs when he got home and he would have to come find us.
My heart was pounding as I waited upstairs for Brendan to come home, I was both nervous and excited to tell him I was pregnant. Ellis hid on our bed amidst all of the pillows and I stood in the corner of the room with my phone out ready to capture the moment on video.
When Brendan walked in he looked over at me and seemed confused that I was videoing him. Ellis jumped up and said “Surprise!” and pointed at his shirt. The look on Brendan’s face was priceless as he read Ellis’ shirt and realized what the surprise was. Brendan walked over to me and scooped me up and lifted me up in the biggest embrace. I then handed him the pregnancy test, which I had wrapped up in a pretty gold ribbon. It was such a sweet, emotional moment and it made it all feel that much more real to me. ❤
I look forward to sharing more about this pregnancy journey and how different it has been compared to my first. Up next I think I will share about the first trimester and how that was for me physically and emotionally.