Tag: Personal Writing

The Open Door

Published on by Ashley Blair SmithLeave a comment

On the Pull to Carry New Life

I find it interesting that every time I have conceived each of my babies, there has been this strong desire to become a mother again in the months and days leading up to conception. Not a physical, animal desire, rather a deep pulling at my spirit to carry life again.

Each time I have had my babies and walked through the early months and even years postpartum with them, I have focused that time on getting to know this new little soul that I brought forth into the world. I also take that sacred window of time to get to know the new version of myself that was born the same time that my baby was.

But in those first couple of years postpartum I never have that deep innate pulling to have another child.

Each time postpartum I have wondered if I will ever feel that desire again, the desire to have another child. While in my head I may know that I would like to have another baby, some day, my body and spirit say “wait”. So I listen.

When I was younger, I always thought that I would want to have my children closer together in age. Then, I had my first baby and everything I thought I knew about myself and what I wanted in life changed. Now, I’ve learned what works for me and my body. So I listen for that pulling in my spirit, telling me when it is time and when I feel open to conceiving another child.

For this third pregnancy, this quiet fire started burning in the early summer months of 2024.

Healing and Awakening Fertility

After birthing my second baby, I was thrown into some very traumatic situations in my life that caused me to rethink every inch of myself and those around me. This time around, it wasn’t simply the transformation that occurs when a woman births her baby and becomes a new version of herself. No, this was harsh, drastic, and felt so absolute.

For two years I dug my heels in deep and did the hard work I needed to make sense of all the broken pieces of my life and to find myself, truly, for the first time. While I walked through a living hell, I came out on the other side confident, bold, brave, and resilient. I liked who I had become.

Once I felt like I had healed significantly, I found myself wondering what it would be like to have another baby. Life finally felt a bit more predictable and comfortable again. I felt happy, my children seemed to be in a good place, my little family seemed to have found our weekly rhythm. For the first time in a long time, things felt sweet and safe. I asked myself if I was ready to conceive another child and “disrupt” this little dance we had all learned the steps to. I also asked myself if I was ready to “give up” my body in order to grow another life again. I knew I wanted another child, and I knew I was willing to sacrifice these things (a comfortable, predictable routine and a “fit” body), but was it the right time?

I sat with that for a bit. No one else was pushing me into having more children and I knew there was no reason to rush into anything. So, I gave it time. I began really savoring the routine moments at home with my children. I relished my time on my yoga mat, running in the summer heat and my body’s strength. I enjoyed each moment with my husband. All while allowing myself to remain open to the possibility of adding a new member to our little family.

By mid-summer I had started being more mindful of the foods I was consuming and researching how I could support my body and fertility. I made better choices, looked for herbs to aide in my fertility, and began doing a bit of deep releasing and surrendering. I pulled out my copy of Awakening Fertility — The Essential Art of Preparing for Pregnancy by Heng Ou and combed through the pages to glean wisdom.

I found myself a bit nervous for a change like this in my life, but I also felt ready to walk through the open door if it presented itself.

Conscious Conception

I believe that being fully transparent and honest with your spouse when it comes to how you feel about conceiving a child is so important. Discuss the things you are afraid of, the things you are excited for, and the things you are unsure of before taking the next steps.

I knew that I had arrived at that open door when I had discussed my fears, desires, and uncertainties with my husband, and he had done the same with me. I felt confident that we were both ready to receive the love of another child into our lives. I knew that I could place everything into God’s hands, and that if the timing was right, we could walk the path ahead with strength and confidence.

Everyone’s conception story is different. All are unique and there is no “right way” to go about it. I am grateful to have started this journey with our third baby mindfully, healthy, and surrounded by so much light and love.

Feeling Life to the Fullest — Turning 30

Published on by Ashley Blair SmithLeave a comment

Today I am bidding adieu to my twenties and stepping into the new and unfamiliar territory of my thirties. When I was younger, I thought that I would be approaching this date with bated breath, sorrowful to leave the youth of my twenties behind. However, as life would have it, I am feeling almost the complete opposite of that. I have longed for my thirties for a couple of years now, praying that they would bring drastic change to my life. Because if I’m being candid, the last three years in my twenties broke me. I met a darkness and heartache I had never known before, and I spent many days trying to claw my way out of that place, begging for relief and a hope that I felt could not be found in my twenties. While year 29 has been good to me, and has brought much healing, I am anticipating more growth and maturing in year 30.

So, in honor of turning 30, here’s a little personal musing I’ve done in regards to living life to the fullest, here and now, and also embracing feeling. Learning to feel not only the good and the joyful, but the bad and the sorrowful.

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Years ago, I remember someone came into work talking about celebrating their 30th birthday. They were bragging about getting drunk at a party, not remembering a thing and feeling absolutely smashed and hungover the next day. Laughing, they said “I mean, did you even turn 30 if you didn’t get black out drunk?!”.

I was 23 at the time and I remember thinking to myself “What is the point of drinking to the point that you pass out, don’t remember anything, and then wake up feeling horrible the next day? Why is this how so many people choose to celebrate big milestones in their life?”. Hearing that line, “did you even turn 30 if you didn’t get black out drunk?!”, has always stuck with me, and still makes me stop and ponder how people choose to celebrate special occasions. It has also lead me to question how people choose to cope with difficult times in their life.

I have never been one to drink and I have never cared to hang out around people that choose to get drunk for the fun of it.

But I know not everyone gets drunk for fun. Some people turn to alcohol to numb the pain they may feel in their life. I am at a place where I can empathize with people in that kind of situation, even though I may not agree with it.

Still, other people may drink because they are anxious and they want to loosen up a bit so they can be “themselves”.

The past few years have been hard, to put it lightly. There have been plenty of times that I longed for the ability to numb myself to all feeling. I wanted to stop the intrusive thoughts from interrupting my daily life. I wanted to stop the heartache that made me weak. I wanted to stop the anger that coursed through my veins and made my skin hot. I wanted to stop the grief that comes in waves and brings me to my knees.

I’ve been through a lot, and I won’t go into detail here, but I reached a point where I felt sheer exhaustion from feeling everything. I felt like a victim — “Why Me?” I used to ask myself. Occasionally, I still ask this.

I spent a significant amount of time wallowing in that victimhood. I felt that life was passing me by, while everyone else continued on, living their lives. And I was stuck. Stuck in the hurt, stuck in the grief, stuck in the trauma, stuck in the rage, stuck in the suffering, stuck in the confusion.

Probably the worst of it all was not feeling safe in my own mind and my own body. I wanted out so badly. I didn’t think there was any hope or any help to be found. I experienced waves of emotions — one day the sorrow would break me and I would weep until the sobs racked my body. The next day I would feel hot rage like I never had before and I would want to smash something. I was at a loss, because I didn’t ask for any of this, I didn’t sign up for it. I had actually fought hard against it.

Then, sprinkled amongst the bad, was joy. There was a point that I reached that when joy did come, it felt so unfamiliar to me that I didn’t think it was real. It felt like I couldn’t have it anymore.

This was a hard, dark place to be.

Fast forward a few months. After many counseling sessions, a lot of prayer, support from friends and family, a lot of self-work and unlearning, and faith, my perspective changed. My mindset shifted. And for the first time in my entire life, I saw pain and suffering in a new light.

What if instead of fighting the uncomfortable feelings of anxiety, the gut wrenching blows of grief, or the shear heartache that comes from walking through my worst fears, what if I welcomed them? What would happen then?

I started putting this into practice, welcoming the negative feelings. I got curious about them and started to pay attention to where I felt them in my body. A lump in my throat. A racing heart. Shaky hands. When I felt an anxiety attack coming on, I noticed what triggered me, I took time to process what was going on, and ask myself why I felt scared and unsafe.

It took some time, but I got to a place where I wasn’t pushing those feelings away anymore. I wasn’t wishing I could numb them away, or hope that I wouldn’t feel them anymore. I learned that life is cyclical, emotions come in waves, and it all ebbs and flows.

I completely shifted my mindset to start looking at these feelings as a gift and, in the grand scheme of things, something to be grateful for. Would I choose to walk down this path I’ve been on? No. Do I wish that the course of my life could have played out differently? Yes. But the wisdom, healing and growth I have gleaned from the trials I have faced have helped me grow as a person.

I finally came to the realization that to feel is to be human. To feel so intensely, both joy and sorrow, means that I have loved deeply. Sometimes to feel seems like a blessing, sometimes a curse. But they can coexist together. The light and the dark, the good and the bad, the beauty and the sadness. You can be sad and happy at the same time. You can be sad and strong too.

A prime example of this in my own personal life was when I gave birth to my second son, just 12 days after my Maw passed away. It was such a strange place to be, surrounded by both life and death. An over abundance of joy welcoming this precious new life into my arms, while also grieving as another soul slipped out of my grasp. I loved my son and was so happy to have him earth side. I loved my Maw and was deeply saddened that left us to go on to heaven.

I held them both close: life and death, light and dark, good and bad.

As I turn 30 today, I want to continue to simply feel as deeply and fully as this life allows. For myself and for those who have flown on to heaven. Another year of life, to call that a gift is an understatement. Here’s to 30.

My 27th Birthday

Published on by Ashley Blair SmithLeave a comment

Every year around the beginning of September, right before my birthday, I like to take some time to reflect on the past year and look at what I’ve gone through and how I’ve grown. Last year when I wrote this type of reflection post, I said that 26 had been the hardest year of my life. Well, little did I know that 27 was going to bring me to my breaking point and force me to go through a lot in order to grow a lot. 

As I sit here taking in the past year of my life, I am reminded of my birthday celebration last year and what a beautiful day it ended up being. I always wanted to share about my 27th birthday on my blog last year, but it just never happened. So, I thought I would share a little bit about that today and some photos from my birthday last year.

27 

Last year for my birthday all I wanted to do was get dressed up and go out to lunch like things were normal. My mom, grandma, and Brendan had planned on coming out to lunch with me at one of my favorite local restaurants downtown and then afterwards I was going to have some family over for dessert and coffee that afternoon. 

I picked a cute outfit, curled my hair and took a little extra time to do my makeup. Brendan was going to come home on his lunch break, pick Ellis and I up, and then we were going to meet my mom and grandma at the restaurant downtown. Well, as we were about to head out the door, my mom let me know that the restaurant was closed that day. I was so upset. I don’t do well with plans changing last minute, and while I know this was kind of out of our control, I started to lose it and I ended up having an anxiety attack. 

My mom suggested that we pick a different place to eat, or that we pick up something and bring it back to the house, but I was too upset and didn’t care at that point. Brendan ended up driving us around for awhile while we decided what to do next. And I quickly started to spiral. On top of being disappointed that things weren’t working out the way I wanted them to, I then started feeling so bad that Brendan took time to leave work to spend his lunch break with me, and here I was crying and not knowing where to go to eat. 

I ended up telling him to just pick a place for Ellis and him to get some food and not to worry about me. At that point I was feeling like I was so upset that I didn’t want any family to come over to my house after lunch time. I didn’t want to have to try and act happy and hide how stressed out and disappointed I was. My mom insisted that it would be okay and that everyone would still come over and it would all be fine. 

I fought it for awhile, but I also didn’t want to disappoint anyone else by changing plans last minute. So, we ended up picking up some lunch for me and bringing it back home and I ate a bit while I finished tidying up the house before everyone showed up. Brendan went back to work and Ellis and I waited for everyone to come over. 

While I was eating my lunch my sister texted me telling me Happy Birthday and asking if I’d like a coffee. I told her that would be so nice and then proceeded to tell her about how the day was just going as planned so far and how I was stressed. Since I knew she had class that afternoon, I figured she would be bringing me a coffee later in the day when her classes were over. 

My mom and grandma were the first ones to arrive. I was still bustling around and feeling pretty frazzled and didn’t even realize that my sister was also there. She surprised me by skipping her class that afternoon so she could come over for my birthday. I don’t usually get emotional in front of other people, but I couldn’t help tearing up when I hugged her. In that moment I started feeling the love that I needed most in that moment, even though I had tried pushing everyone away and canceling the whole afternoon. I’ll never forget that moment.

My mom walked in with two big Mum plants to go in the beautiful stone planters that my dad had gotten me for my birthday, and again I felt loved. Not long after that everyone else arrived and we all just kind of gathered around in the living room to chat. I was surrounded by all of the women closest to me in my life — my mom, sister, grandma, aunt, cousin, second mama and what I consider my adopted sisters.

Ellis ended up playing upstairs with the girls almost all afternoon, so I felt like I got a much needed break from being “mom”. And the rest of us sat around and talked about motherhood, being a stay-at-home-mom, and me just kind of opening up about how I felt so defeated and how I felt like motherhood felt so overwhelming to me. 

I don’t know if anyone picked up on it that afternoon, but looking back now I realize that I was caught right in the thick of postpartum depression. I just couldn’t shake the fact that motherhood felt too hard, and I thought I was just a bad mom or not meant to be a mom. Even if nobody knew how bad I was suffering in that moment, I was still grateful to have people that loved and supported me all around me that day. 

We ended up opening presents and then eating a homemade vegan lemon bar dessert that I had made. We put candles on the dessert and everyone sang “Happy Birthday” to me, and I felt so much happier. 

When Brendan got home from work all I wanted to do was to get some dinner and watch one of my all-time favorite movies, “Breakfast at Tiffany’s”. Ellis ended up falling asleep before we could get him dinner, so the two of us ate Rivermont Pizza while watching the movie. And then I got to open up my presents from Brendan. He had also bought me some beautiful Mums.

I don’t know if many people will care to read this blog post, as it’s almost just like a journal entry for myself. But I loved these pictures from last year and wanted to share them. I’m hoping and praying that my 28th year of life will be full of growth, change, grace, and beauty. The world feels like a scary place to be in anymore, but I know there is so much life and beauty here too.