Category: Personal Writings

Tell Me, How Do You Feel in Your Body Right Now?

Published on by Ashley Blair SmithLeave a comment

Brutally Honest Postpartum Journal Entries (a series)

Saturday May 31, 2025 || 27 Days Postpartum with Flora Kathleen

I have been resisting the urge to cover up and hide my new body. I don’t personally feel ashamed of my body, but I worry about how others perceive me and I feel I must stay hidden until my body doesn’t look obviously postpartum anymore.

I feel as if I don’t fit in and there is no place for me in everyday, normal society right now. I feel weak. I feel vulnerable. My body doesn’t look like it did pre-pregnancy and it doesn’t look like it did when I was pregnant a mere few weeks ago. I’m somewhere in-between.

I’m where there are no clothes that fit me right. Maternity clothes are too big, but my regular clothes are too small. Nobody is telling me how cute my baby belly is anymore. There is no one complimenting me on my appearance at all. I’m round and soft in places I wasn’t before. I have wounds that are healing and need special care and those wounds happen to hit right where my pants would hug my body.

Healing from surgery is a brand new terrain for me. I don’t know how to boldly and confidently take up space in this new body, but I’m trying to. I’m trying to do it unapologetically; without feeling the need to tell every stranger I encounter that I just had a baby 3 weeks ago and that I had to have major surgery “so please excuse the way my body looks”. How gross to even feel that way.

I want my children to know what a woman’s body looks like postpartum. Squishy swollen belly, deep stretch marks, nursing breasts, softness and all. No hiding or feeling ashamed, because my body just did something miraculous!

The Open Door

Published on by Ashley Blair SmithLeave a comment

On the Pull to Carry New Life

I find it interesting that every time I have conceived each of my babies, there has been this strong desire to become a mother again in the months and days leading up to conception. Not a physical, animal desire, rather a deep pulling at my spirit to carry life again.

Each time I have had my babies and walked through the early months and even years postpartum with them, I have focused that time on getting to know this new little soul that I brought forth into the world. I also take that sacred window of time to get to know the new version of myself that was born the same time that my baby was.

But in those first couple of years postpartum I never have that deep innate pulling to have another child.

Each time postpartum I have wondered if I will ever feel that desire again, the desire to have another child. While in my head I may know that I would like to have another baby, some day, my body and spirit say “wait”. So I listen.

When I was younger, I always thought that I would want to have my children closer together in age. Then, I had my first baby and everything I thought I knew about myself and what I wanted in life changed. Now, I’ve learned what works for me and my body. So I listen for that pulling in my spirit, telling me when it is time and when I feel open to conceiving another child.

For this third pregnancy, this quiet fire started burning in the early summer months of 2024.

Healing and Awakening Fertility

After birthing my second baby, I was thrown into some very traumatic situations in my life that caused me to rethink every inch of myself and those around me. This time around, it wasn’t simply the transformation that occurs when a woman births her baby and becomes a new version of herself. No, this was harsh, drastic, and felt so absolute.

For two years I dug my heels in deep and did the hard work I needed to make sense of all the broken pieces of my life and to find myself, truly, for the first time. While I walked through a living hell, I came out on the other side confident, bold, brave, and resilient. I liked who I had become.

Once I felt like I had healed significantly, I found myself wondering what it would be like to have another baby. Life finally felt a bit more predictable and comfortable again. I felt happy, my children seemed to be in a good place, my little family seemed to have found our weekly rhythm. For the first time in a long time, things felt sweet and safe. I asked myself if I was ready to conceive another child and “disrupt” this little dance we had all learned the steps to. I also asked myself if I was ready to “give up” my body in order to grow another life again. I knew I wanted another child, and I knew I was willing to sacrifice these things (a comfortable, predictable routine and a “fit” body), but was it the right time?

I sat with that for a bit. No one else was pushing me into having more children and I knew there was no reason to rush into anything. So, I gave it time. I began really savoring the routine moments at home with my children. I relished my time on my yoga mat, running in the summer heat and my body’s strength. I enjoyed each moment with my husband. All while allowing myself to remain open to the possibility of adding a new member to our little family.

By mid-summer I had started being more mindful of the foods I was consuming and researching how I could support my body and fertility. I made better choices, looked for herbs to aide in my fertility, and began doing a bit of deep releasing and surrendering. I pulled out my copy of Awakening Fertility — The Essential Art of Preparing for Pregnancy by Heng Ou and combed through the pages to glean wisdom.

I found myself a bit nervous for a change like this in my life, but I also felt ready to walk through the open door if it presented itself.

Conscious Conception

I believe that being fully transparent and honest with your spouse when it comes to how you feel about conceiving a child is so important. Discuss the things you are afraid of, the things you are excited for, and the things you are unsure of before taking the next steps.

I knew that I had arrived at that open door when I had discussed my fears, desires, and uncertainties with my husband, and he had done the same with me. I felt confident that we were both ready to receive the love of another child into our lives. I knew that I could place everything into God’s hands, and that if the timing was right, we could walk the path ahead with strength and confidence.

Everyone’s conception story is different. All are unique and there is no “right way” to go about it. I am grateful to have started this journey with our third baby mindfully, healthy, and surrounded by so much light and love.

On a Healing Journey

Published on by Ashley Blair SmithLeave a comment

Each year before my birthday I sit down to reflect on my life, where I’ve been, and where I think I’m going. This is that little reflection:

✨ On a Healing Journey ✨

“On a healing journey” is the best way I can think to describe my life right now. Some days I feel like I’m thriving, the best version of myself. Other days I feel like I’m just barely surviving, the most broken version of myself I have ever met.

The past couple years have beaten me to the ground. Life has trampled over me, kicked dirt in my eyes, spit in my face. There have been days I’ve wanted it all to end. Days I didn’t care anymore. Days I wanted to throw in the towel and let the devil win.

But there have also been days where I felt strong, like I could take on the world. Brave, ready to look pain in the eyes and face my fears. Resilient, having so many heavy things hit me so hard so fast, yet I stood my ground and fought.

The truth is life sucks. I never thought I would have walked this road. I never imagined I would be struggling with my mental health. But here I am. There’s no way to dance around it, so I have chosen to boldly walk through it. This is my life and I am working on accepting what has been, so I can change what will be.

While I would have never chosen to walk some of these paths I’ve been led down, I can see how God is using them for good in my life. Some days that’s hard to admit, but I know it’s true. I may be strong, brave, and resilient, but I am only capable of those things because of God. I wouldn’t still be here if it wasn’t for Him.

God let the world break me, so that I truly had to depend on Him. My faith has been tested, my world has been rocked. But through it all He has remained constant.

I pray that I continue to walk this life I have been given in love, humility, and grace. And I pray that I can be like my Maw in the way she carried herself and always, no matter what, pointed others to Jesus.

Jesus was willing to endure mockery, betrayal, and the cross when he didn’t deserve it. I’ve always known that, but never fully understood the weight of that until I had to walk through hard things myself. Trust in God, sweet friends. The world and people will always let you down, but He never will.

Here’s to healing ✨ and hopefully a beautiful last year in my 20s.

Remembering Maw — Memorial Day Cookout 5/28/2012

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Memorial Day Cookout 5/28/2012 — A Personal Journal Entry

This is an excerpt from a journal entry of mine from May 2012. I was at a Memorial Day family cookout at Maw’s house. That evening of the cookout I spent time looking at one of Memaw’s (Maw’s mother) scrapbooks and I also remember having a conversation with Maw about my college classes and how defeated I was feeling after my last semester. Maw always knew just what to say to uplift and encourage me. This conversation with her always stuck with me thereafter and I’m so glad I journaled about it.

“I had asked Maw if she could get out Memaw’s old scrapbook so that I could look at it and she had it sitting out for me to look at. I spent at least two hours looking at it. Maw and I took it outside and looked at it on the patio together.

I love looking at all of the old pictures of my beloved relatives and the relatives that I wish I could have met. And I love hearing Maw tell me stories and memories from her past. Memaw used to write poetry and I absolutely love reading it! Her poetry is so beautiful. Reading all of that poetry has inspired me to write and journal and scrapbook.

Maw told me that Memaw would love to know that I love poetry and reading all of the classic novels (Memaw’s favorite novel was always Jane Eyre)! I guess I get my love of poetry from Memaw. Maw has also told me before that Papa would be so proud of me for loving to work in the garden. I feel like I know Memaw and Papa, but Papa died before I was born and I’m pretty sure Memaw did too. I really wish that I could have met them, I think that we would have really gotten along with each other and I would have loved them even more than I do now. But I know that I will get to meet them in heaven one day. I know that Memaw and Papa are looking down from heaven watching me.”

………………..

“While the girls were still playing, Maw came to stand by me and she asked me how my summer was going so far. I told her that it was going good but I was just afraid that it was going to go by too fast. Maw told me to just enjoy every day of my break. Then we got to talking about classes and school work.

I told her that I guess I would be ready to go back to school when the time comes. And I was telling her that I was still upset about my bad grade that I got in BIBLE. She told me that one bad grade didn’t matter and that I have come a long way, and that as long as I am learning, grades aren’t that big of a deal. I told her that I was learning a lot, but that I feel like sometimes no matter how hard I try I still get low grades.

And at this point I was tearing up. Maw told me that she had to work really hard in school too! And that good grades didn’t come easy for her. Maw said that she had a cousin that just got really good grades so easily but that she was different. Maw hugged me and told me that I can do it. She gave me the love, support, and encouragement that I needed and can get from no one else. I just know that I want to graduate and keep pushing forward.”

Re-reading this journal entry almost 10 years later is kind of surreal. I still remember that conversation with Maw like it was yesterday. I was feeling so defeated and embarrassed about my bad grade in that one college class. I was worried I had disappointed my family and I felt like I was failing and couldn’t measure up. I think when Maw saw how I was feeling and she opened up to me about how getting good grades was hard for her too it created this safe space for me. She also made me feel loved and supported. I was putting my worth and identity in good grades, but Maw reminded me that I am enough just as I am, with all of my flaws and short comings.

For as long as I can remember, Maw was always encouraging me and speaking positively over me. Even when I felt so defeated and didn’t think I could do something, I knew that she whole-heartedly believed in me and knew I could do it. Maw always told me the story of how her daddy believed in her, and when she didn’t think she could do it her daddy would tell her “You can do that, Kat!”. Maw told me that she would always think to herself “If Daddy thinks I can do it, then I guess I can”. What a beautiful picture of how powerful our words are and how much of an impact they can make on the next generation.