On December 24th 2017, Christmas Eve, my life changed. The day before, I had a fitful night’s sleep because I was both anxious and excited for the morning to come. I’m normally one to laze around in bed for at least 30 minutes after I wake up if I have nowhere in particular to be, but on the morning of the 24th I was awake by 6am while Brendan lay sleeping beside me. I quietly crawled out of bed and snuck into the bathroom, trying not to wake Brendan. And then, for the first time in my life, I took a pregnancy test. And ever so faintly on that little stick, two little pink lines slowly began to appear, and I knew that Christmas would be a memorable one.
I debated on whether or not to take the test, since it was still days before my period was supposed to start. But I just had this internal feeling that something had shifted inside of my body, that something was beginning to form itself in my womb. Call me crazy, but I believe in being in touch with our bodies and learning to listen to the subtle signals our bodies whisper to us. I could have waited another week or so to take the test, but I really wanted to know if I was pregnant, and if the results came back positive I wanted to tell Brendan that evening. I thought it would be a cute early Christmas gift.
I kept quiet all day long and didn’t tell Brendan until later that night after our Christmas Eve service at church. I felt so happy and giddy all day and wondered if he could tell that I was keeping a little secret. Turns out he really had no clue. I wrapped the pregnancy test in a little tissue paper and had him open it that night. He looked so confused when he opened it, and the lines were so faint he thought I was telling him that I wasn’t pregnant. It was a sweet little moment we shared together – realizing that it was still so very early to be sure, but also knowing that we very well might be parents in the making.
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Ever since I was a teenager, I knew that I wanted to get married and have a family of my own some day. However, I never considered myself a baby person or someone who liked working with kids. Sure, some of them were cute, but for the most part all I could see were snotty noses and sticky little germ-y fingers. I loved hanging out with Brendan’s 6 year-old niece when we were dating and I didn’t mind being around and playing with kids of family friends. But in general, kids just made me nervous. And as much as I knew I wanted to have children of my own some day, I just didn’t feel ready.
When Brendan and I got married (I was 22 years-old at the time) I said that, ideally, I wanted to start having kids by the time I was 25. (Of course, we both agreed that if I got pregnant right away then it was God’s will for us to have a baby.) I’ve always had the desire to be a younger mom – the thought of being 30 years-old and having my first child just did not appeal to me in anyway. But For the first year of our marriage, I was more than happy for it to be just me, Brendan, and our kitty Cheetah. And up until last summer, these were my honest feelings. And I honored that and didn’t rush into anything that I wasn’t ready for.
But last summer, I felt something shift inside of me. More and more I found myself being drawn to books about pregnancy and natural birth and following moms on Instagram and bloggers who were around my age and pregnant. I found myself feeling excited for the day that I would become pregnant and be able to carry a wee babe of my own in my womb. This desire led me to really focus on hormone balance and trying to naturally enhance my fertility.
I spent the last half of the summer focusing on preparing my body for pregnancy, whenever we decided the time was right. At that point, Brendan and I hadn’t really talked about trying to get pregnant anytime soon. I had mentioned it here and there, but we both felt that we weren’t ready yet. And then as autumn approached, something completely changed inside of me. My mindset shifted and suddenly I was thinking about becoming pregnant every day. My body also felt ready. I guess this is the sensation that some call “baby fever”. As if overnight, doubt gave way to faith and certainty. Brendan and I started talking about trying to get pregnant and praying that God would let us know when the time was right.
It can be scary transitioning from maiden to mother. To know that you no longer are just responsible for your own health and your own life, but that of your unborn baby’s. There were times before I actually became pregnant that I got a little nervous, even though it was what I knew I wanted. And it was at times like this that Brendan gently reminded me that I needed to let go of that anxiousness, and trust that if God meant for us to get pregnant that He would take care of us and provide us with what we needed and equip us to be good parents.
These first few weeks of pregnancy have almost felt like a hazy dream. There are days when I feel an overwhelming excitement at the thought of being pregnant and carrying a little one in my womb. And then there are days when I feel a little nervous and wonder if I am ready to be a mother. Both of these are very natural feelings. But on the days when I feel doubt, I remind myself of how blessed I am to be carrying a baby. I think about how there are some women out there that want nothing more than to become pregnant. I don’t want to take one moment of this pregnancy for granted, because every day with this baby growing in my womb is a blessing and a gift from God.
I hope to share more about my pregnancy journey with you all in the weeks to come. I want to be raw, open, and honest when sharing about this pregnancy with you all. I think it’s so important for us mothers and mothers-to-be to be able to share about the highs and lows of pregnancy, and to know that we are not alone during this beautiful journey.